So, assuming it does, is this really a good idea? I've done a fair bit of reading on the internet about MS since all this started, and the more I read, the more terrified I become. By contrast, everything I read about MS suggests that sooner or later everyone gets worse, it's just a question of time. I am currently haunted by visions, in which 10 years down the line I am married and carting my wife around in a wheelchair. She has only had one attack, and this was when she was diagnosed a couple of years ago, although she had symptoms for years before that can now be explained by the MS.
Currently she lives a normal life, still holds down a job, and her main symptoms are fatigue, pain, numbness and tingling. Most of the people I have spoken to in the real world tend to say that I should cut my losses and run while I still can, but this seems incredibly harsh to me, as most of them know very little about MS, and it's not her fault that she has this disease So hive-mind, what do you think I should do?
Personal stories are of course, very welcome! I am primarily interested in hearing from people who have MS, have a loved one who has MS, or have been in a similar situation to the above. FWIW, she's 28 and I am a 30 year old male. I understand your misgivings. I'm afraid you're going to get eviscerated here and elsewhere, if you chose to share these feelings for being "shallow. She was diagnosed after we were married. I sometimes get that vision of pushing the wheelchair, but that's easily pushed aside because I love her, regardless.
That's what I believe and what I promised when we were married. You're not at that point yet i. Why not enjoy this time with someone you obviously like and who likes you back and see where the road takes you? When the two of you are "serious," you should have a conversation about the long-term "plan" about her MS. Welcome to the real world. Any person you meet and fall in love with is vulnerable. None of us have a guarantee of a long life of good health. You yourself have your own health limitation, and though you seem to keep it hidden why does nobody know?
Don't you deserve care, compassion, support you seem aware that you yourself will bring issues into a life partnership because of your own human condition. Love demands a degree of selflessness. The people around you who are telling you to cut and run are people who are still viewing love with an immature, self-centered point of view. If you look ahead to the prospect of pushing your lover around in her wheelchair as though it's a horrible imposition on you, then you're that immature as well.
Alternatively it might be viewed with a real sense of pride and importance to make life better for a person you care about. It's up to you. This is an opportunity for you to grow up and realize not everything in life is about you. Are you big enough to do that? But nothing in life is certain. You could marry a perfectly healthy person who is then diagnosed with a serious illness or disabled by an accident. Or a perfectly healthy person and then suffer a horrible messy painful divorce.
This "choice" is a false one. Imagine you don't get involved and she is healthy for ten more years - it can happen! Imagine you settle down with some other person who is diagnosed with a terminal cancer after three months together that happened to someone I know and he was already in deep enough that he remained for three more gruelling years and cared for her until the end if her life. I have three children.
Two of them have disabilities autism. One may, with support, live a full and independent life. The other without a miracle will not. It's not what I signed up for, expected, prepared for. Nobody sits about rubbing their belly and considering how disabled their kid will be. But it happened to us. I have a friend who's child is similarly disabled as my youngest, profoundly autistic child is, with less cognitive impairment but much worse physical impairment, because they choked on food and suffered a catastrophic hypoxic brain injury.
One week she was a completely normal, typically developing child. The next she was severely and permanently disabled the week between she was on full life support possibly about to die. The problem is most of us going around thinking things like ill health, disability, etc won't ever happen to us.
Until it does happen we tend to feel immune. So you now feel like you're giving up that immunity if you get involved with someone with a known illness. But the immunity is an illusion. It can happen to anyone, at any time. If you like one another then I'd go for it and worry about other things when they come. In fact, 'fault' and 'fairness' are useless concepts here; in my view, the main question is: And that's mostly impossible to predict, but something worth thinking about.
It's not something others can probably help you with. But keep in mind that over time, we all gain our own health problems and disabilities. Life is inherently risky. None of us gets out alive. In the mean time, we do our best to enjoy our lives the best we can, and if we're good people, we help others do the same.
Often to the benefit of all parties. Be honest with yourself, then be honest with her, and do your best to be kind to both of you. I work a high power corporate job with a woman who has MS. She was diagnosed at 25, is 32 now and just ran her first marathon. I understand your qualms, but I assure you, she is experiencing the same in her side threefold, including a hefty dose of "do I even deserve love with my disease".
I'm all for being honest with yourself, but you will also never know what you're going to get with someone else as well, including yourself. Anyone could develop a debilitating disease or get hit by a bus 5 years from now. If it doesn't work out, let that be due to the relationship and not her disease. This can happen to anyone. You enter into a lifelong partnership with someone and either one of you could get hit by a car, be diagnosed with cancer, suffer a stroke, etc.
That's what it is. It comes to us all. It's part of the living thing. I was in a serious, but not marriage oriented, relationship with someone who had MS for several years. He died of unrelated causes before he was It hurt like hell, but I wouldn't undo the years before even if it saved me from that pain. I'm very much on the side of taking what joy life offers you now and dealing with the future as it comes. It's responsible of you to wonder if you have what it takes to be a good long-term partner, but the future is unpredictable - what you fear now may not come to pass, and your life can take paths you can't imagine now.
Don't let fear of the future ruin today's joy. Don't worry about the long term stuff until you're further in and need to make decisions about it. I expect your choices will seem clearer at that point. When I first dated my eventual husband, I would have considered handling a major disability to be a life-destroying imposition; but after we were together for a while, it would have been a minor frustration, because I was so connected to him that taking care of him would have been not a "joy" exactly, but just the obvious and not-terrible thing that I did because I loved him and wanted to be with him.
If your brain doesn't work that way or you don't come around to that sort of feeling, then break up then. I understand your qualms and think they are valid. I have known several strong relationships where one partner had MS.
Dating Someone with MS
And one partnership where the pressures caused by MS on the relationship killed it. It is fair to say that with more challenges you need more resources than an average relationship. Do you both already have a lot of "spoons" to make up for the deficit of spoons you have in terms of your physical health? Money is a big one, as is a wide circle of support for both of you, time, and access medical resources. A serious chronic medical condition impacts where you can travel and immigrate to if that is something you wanted and it would be important to recognise that in making one choice continuing this relationship means other choices are closed off.
Can you accept that without later resolving into bitterness or resentment? I wish you peace with your choice. Long-time lurker on MF. This question prompted me to join. I'm a neurologist not your neurologist, or this woman's neurologist. I don't have a lot of personal experience with MS, but I've taken care of hundreds of patients with it.
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There is a lot in the neuro literature about prognosis in MS, which can be really hard to predict because it presents so differently in different people. I was taught that the first years are predictive of the first years, in terms of how aggressive how many relapses, how much disability the disease is. There are also a plethora of disease-modifying therapies now -- the number has doubled since I was in medical school -- that help to stave off relapses.
This article is several years old but lays out well: I regret that decision every day. My ex-boss's wife has MS and they have been married for. I mean, honestly, she takes such shockingly good care of herself physically that it's more or less invisible. Based on what he told us, her MS responded very well to being managed by diet and there are a whole lot of details here that I don't remember. All this just to bolster the point above: MS presents very differently for different people. Everyone is broken in some way. Honestly for me, the bigger issue to know the answer about would be how committed is she to the management of this and then for myself, how do I feel about being a partner in this kind of disease management?
If you can manage to date the girl and not the disease, then I think you might be okay. Everyone has issues, and none of us are getting out of here alive. I dated a woman with MS for a few months, and I did have to push her around in a wheelchair. So yet anothe vote for go for it. I have no perspective on the question as you phrased it but just want to note that in the event that what you are really asking is "Would I be a terrible person if I broke it off now because I don't think I can handle a long-term relationship with someone with MS," no, you wouldn't.
If you think falling in love at all is a terrible idea, then yes, this is a terrible idea. But worry is just borrowing trouble from the future and it doesn't actually solve any problems; don't pre-pay. Here's what I think is fair to you both: Learn what you can about your feelings, each other, MS, and treatments for it.
At some point, have a thorough discussion about planning for possible eventualities - taking into consideration how choices around career and finances might figure into things. Because caregiving is different when it's well-resourced than when it's not. And it's one thing if you're in a stable profession with some reserves, quite another if you have a burning ambition to be e. But I don't think you should drag it out if, in a year or two, you find that you're still uncertain, or doubt your ability to be a partner in rough times. I don't think that would be fair to her, she might want the chance to meet someone who's prepared and willing to commit.
Or at the very least, although it might be painful or difficult, be honest about your ambivalence, and check in about that now and then, so that she can decide whether to take the risk of committing to someone who might leave at a critical time. I wholeheartedly disagree with the "date her now" opinions. Don't be the kind of person who bails as soon as things get rough. It would be better to cut ties now than to be a jerk when she really needs you.
I was on a canoe trip second date that could not have been going better, with a lovely, attractive, seemingly compatible person, when I made a mention of a chronic and physically inconvenient under some circumstances medical condition. I have never witnessed anyone row back to shore that quickly to drop me off immediately at home without the pre-planned dinner first.
He absolutely had the right to decide he couldn't imagine being with someone dragging along any medical gear on longer trips, and I wasn't at all mad or hurt--it was that much clearer it was a rejection of a potential lifestyle situation instead of a rejection of me personally because it happened so honestly and immediately. Bonus points, no real grief on my end for something that ended before it really started.
Tell her your concerns sooner rather than later. Give her her own chance to make her own choices about whether or not to invest her time and emotional resources in you. If a potential partner told me they had concerns about "carting" me round in a wheelchair in ten years time I would run away extremely quickly. This is a discussion you should be having with her, not us. She has agency and always will. Make sure she gets to exercise it with all the information she needs. I've been having a good long think about this question.
I think that, as written, your question answers itself. If you actually have this concern then you should probably not go ahead. But I suspect that the question is not exactly what it seems, and you are really questioning your own valid concerns about the matter. I met my future wife almost two years ago I'm 49, she's We fell in love very fast and very hard. She dropped me a few weeks in and wouldn't discuss it, saying she couldn't raise the energy to think about it. We started to get back together again almost a year later, the day before her first MS attack.
Things were iffy for a while it looked like she would have to move countries for her kids but after a couple of bouts of each of us begging the other to give it another try, we finally got back together earlier this year. The "not being able to raise the energy to think about it" is an MS thing and was the first indication.
We have tried being apart and neither of us can cope with that situation. She is still ten times more beautiful and ten times more lovable than anyone else I've ever met. So I don't have the option of your question as it is written. My heart simply won't let me. But I do understand your concerns. My love can still walk and do everything unaided, but only very slowly, for three or four hours a day. And any additional advice would be greatly appreciated One I think it's great that you are looking into what MS is Yes you can read up on MS Heat might not get to her, cold might.
I am almost worse in cold then in heat. If you want to keep it open and honest then I would just ask her what she feels about her MS and what she thinks or can't do, and to be open with you when she is tried and not feeling good. Even if you have a date set up, she might have to say no, because she is having a rough day.
Fighting the M on S tor, and the Beast of Depression. A fake smile can hide a M illon tear S.
Just started dating a girl with MS and need advice
Bravo for wanting to "do your research", but MS is so different in every person that no one can tell you except her. You won't be able to understand it, but you need to accept hers. And a little humor: About the most offensive thing you can say to a person with MS is "You look good", which may present a dilemma when dating a woman with MS. Maybe say "you look beautiful", lol.
Should I date someone with MS (multiple sclerosis)? - resolved | Ask MetaFilter
Perhaps it just doesn't impact her life that much, and she didn't mind sharing but she hadn't planned to originally; be careful to not make her MS a bigger deal for you than it is for her. One site for a good general MS synopsis is here: Just to add some more.. After I started doing the shots I was talking with a bud and excused myself to get the shot done.
They said they didn't mind sticking around and were totally cool about me injecting meds. Now, maybe they wanted to prove something to me or to themselves. Maybe they thought they were cool enough and could handle watching it. But I have to be honest, it really creaped me out. Maybe the two of you should just date for a while and get to know each other. Forget the MS stuff and figure out if the the of you have a future. You don't even know yet if you and this lady are compatible, and already you're pushing for a rock-solid relationship?
I think it's admirable that you've done research about MS so you can talk to her about it intelligently and sensitively. But, as a woman, your going into a forum to start discussing it strikes me as coming on a bit strong, to the point a being a little scary. I have to agree with everyone else. Then back off the MS stuff and just date and get to know each other. Sometimes it doesn't take much before a warm sharing of intimate details turns into someone feeling uncomfortably overexposed.
MS doesn't make or break a relationship. The people involved make or break a relationship. Your attention should be on who you both are as people, not on her MS or your intimate information. As a 31yr old female I would think you were obsessive and be very weary of going out with you again if you were doing this much research into my health after 1 date. I think you need to slow down and get to know her on a personal level before you worry about health conditions.
MS is a tramatic disease but it doesn't have to control us or our families. I agree with a lot of privious posters who said just get to know her for now and worry about the rest later. I am around the disabled quite a bit I appreciate the advice on the "you look good today" statement because I could see how that may be offensive thank goodness I haven't said it She did admit that she had no intentions of telling me about her MS for quite some time into our dating I am glad she did as I honestly do not know how I would of taken the news at a a later date BUT, as far as I have read about disclosing to not only romance partners or even friends about your MS I honestly could not say how I would handle it.
So far we have only talked about her MS when she brings it up I have no plans on telling my family or friends and am going to leave that up to her