I think you'll have to deal with that old wound before you can deal with this. In the meantime, try not to burn any bridges. I understand being creeped out. I don't blame you. But it's not a horrible thing that he's doing, it's just a thing that's making you uncomfortable. I think if you got to know her, and went ahead and met her, it would help to do away with the creep factor. Right now, she's an abstract idea of your former classmates, but she's an actual person with a job and likes and dislikes and a history like the rest of us.
She's also probably as uncomfortable with the situation as you are. The only thing you can really do with situations like that is dive in and get used to the water. If you were 17 and she were 19, sure. So no, it isn't all that creepy. It's probably a little uncomfortable. Nothing wrong with feeling a little weird. But "totally creepy" is not a good way to look at it, and in any case it's no reason to act poorly. And yes, you're not acting in a mature fashion. You might have your assumptions positively challenged. You are mostly projecting your expectations on her. You would have been fine if he were dating a "fun, free-spirited woman, probably a widow".
One would think that could have been a somewhat reassuring thing, with rules and roles clearly defined, and for you an easier transition between step-mothers. Now, you are feeling threatened in your daughter role instead, and I think this is what irks you the most. Living on different sides of the country should make that easier. Good luck to both of you. I think your feelings are completely natural. There's nothing wrong with you. Anyone would understand why you would feel this way.
It's not complicated - you've explained perfectly why this feels icky. But I also agree with those who say you should do your best to get over it. You don't have to fall all over anyone with loving embraces, but it would be best for everyone if you can be gracious and polite and Maybe this is the biggest mistake your dad will ever make in his entire life -- but it's his mistake to make. Maybe it's a fine relationship - I know of two similar age-difference relationships that worked out well - one ended in permanent marriage, and one lasted a few years before an amicable parting - and neither was really about an older guy chasing a younger woman.
In both cases it was just something that worked. I have no doubt that it was no less weird for the families of the men in those relationships than this is for you, but the good thing is that it doesn't appear to have caused a serious rift. You want freedom to choose your own mates, I'm sure, and if this is not a good relationship, your dad will find that out. You really don't have to approve to accept. But it's better to accept than build a wall.
And at some later date you might genuinely approve. You're going to, to a certain degree, have right of refusal on his mates if they get serious Uh what? Do your parents get "right of refusal" on your partner?
The "younger woman" is This is not some 50 year old banging a 17 year old. This is a woman who has been a legal adult for 18 years. I think she has enough life experience to be making reasonable decisions about the age of the men she wishes to see. Absent any evidence your father is in a relationship which is harmful to anything other than your sense of proprietry, you need to get over yourself.
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There's a lot of talking about you in this post. How his girlfriend makes you feel, what you pictured his new relationship would be like. As much as this may affect your innermost world: You can feel however you want, and have that right, but you risk alienating your dad forever if you are a butt about this relationship. I would do everything possible to deal with your feelings yourself to avoid further discomfort and potential alienation. Anon, I can imagine an interior monologue going something like, cringe Ignore festering resentment!
I shouldn't be hung up on the past. My brain knows, okay? Why can't I feel better?! People would say, "See a doctor" if something were bothering you physically. Sounds like this deserves professional help, too. Thus ends advice-giving segment; here follows my experience: Maybe just pointing that out without getting into specific issues would be a relief. A child doesn't have to approve or give advice: My dad, brother and sister do you have siblings?
I was adult enough to watch it with glee. If your dad wants you to meet the S. You can feel squicked all you want. Can't say I totally blame you given the past history. In my family, they find new SO's before the old ones die, so that's my weirdout. Though at least this one's legal. However, you are going to have to suck it up, make nice, and pretend you are okay with it to your dad's face.
Eventually you will probably have to meet her and make nice if you want to see your dad, because they will be coming as a package deal, and as others have pointed out, he'll probably pick her over you if you throw a hissy. Happily, you don't live near him, so you shouldn't have to put on the Happy Face too often. Let your dad enjoy himself. I think if you get to know and, possibly, like this woman, you'll get at least somewhat used to the age discrepancy. I mean, you wouldn't do it, I wouldn't do it and anyway my dad has told me I am NOT to bring home anyone older than him , but Love and companionship can be found in unlikely places sometimes.
That's not to devalue your feelings, which are natural, but you need to get over them and support your dad. Or as usual what Miko said. You're going to, to a certain degree, have right of refusal on his mates if they get serious Are you fucking kidding me? Since it's so visceral to you, I'd spend a while trying to figure out why. The babysitter thing is a very likely candidate -- I'm sure the divorce was really hard on you, and for something like that to happen during a time in your life when you were figuring out who you were romantically and sexually and what relationships were like, I can't imagine that was easy.
I could see how his desire to date younger women could end up feeling somehow personal to you. You seem to be getting flashbacks of sorts hence, the high school locker analogy instead of "sharing the jungle gym" or an analogy from a different period of childhood. Even apart from questions of your own identity, I could see that if his desire for younger women once caused a period of chaos in your own life, you might understandably if unfortunately feel more bitterness and less compassion about it than you would otherwise. If it helps at all, I know two couples with vast age differences, and their relationships are strong, warm, and loving.
I wonder if his desire for this woman is essentially the same thing that made him cheat on your mom, or if, although the woman is still younger, since he's not cheating, this is coming from a more mature and stable place. My parents are recently separated and my dad has been in a relationship I'm not all that psyched about either for different reasons.
I deal by focusing on him. Put another way, after spending a bunch of time with yourself trying to understand and comfort the deeper parts of yourself that are getting stirred up by this, sorry that sounded all New Age , I'd try to shift your energies from "this is weird for me" to a feeling of concern for him. Talk to him about their relationship from that perspective and see where you end up. Maybe you'll be happy for him, and maybe you'll end up wondering why he once again wants someone so [whatever], but in any case, you'll be seeing the situation more through the lens of "what does this mean to him and in the narrative of his life?
How does he feel dating someone so much younger? Does he think this is similar to the babysitter situation maybe he now associates divorce with younger women so he got the urge to date someone young? I'd try to see it from his point of view and get a conversation going, once you can do it with concern and interest. Anyway, if you want to bond over "my dad is dating someone new and this is weird," feel free to email me. I'll be meeting this woman over Christmas holiday. I don't think you should be creeped out by his current relationship, but I think you should certainly be creeped out by his relationship with your babysitter.
I don't read it as a mere "additional layer," I see it as core. Talking out of my backside, natch. The French say half your age plus seven. Grace is ia good idea here I think. I also just found this Wikipedia article. In my experience, anonymous , people I've known in your situation were actually hung up on closeness in age to the paramour of a loved one for a fairly specific if often subconscious reason: That would bother a lot of people. Many consider peers as being in one's same "pool" for socialising, networking, and relationships.
Being in the same age group as the person a parent is dating brings all kinds of weird issues to the forefront. Therapy or counseling may well be the best choice to deal with the strange thoughts and itchy emotions this situation can inspire. After a difficult break-up, lots of people will go for their shallowest thrill or greatest comfort and many other permutations besides, including their deepest fears and a non-typical relationship may be just the thing to shake them out of their funk. If they're self-aware and fortunate in their selections, they may even pick out someone who works well as a continuing partner, no drama or trauma other than whatever the kids have to work out for themselves, of course.
There are less positive reasons and outcomes, certainly, but you'd notice other signs, like avoiding responsibility or behaving generally recklessly or feeling evicted from a prior social group, and you'd bring up those things instead, since they're more specifically and compassionately addressed for all parties. Why would they choose to behave in that way? But I wouldn't, because it really is none of my business. Instead, I'd ask how they were feeling, if they were being treated well by this new person in their life but no overly personal details, please , what kind of plans they have coming up or recently completed Checking in, making sure they're still circulating and staying engaged.
Not being harmed if they ever are, call the authorities.
Daughters refuse to meet dad’s girlfriend who is the same age as them
Then attend to your own emotions and role model your own, healthy future for yourself. And that's really all you can do, as far as that other person's relationship is concerned and your response to it. I'm not sure if those things apply to you or not, but I hope they're worth thinking about as jumping off points for discovering how to deal with this development in your relationship with your father.
I think it's fine to have the feelings you are having as long as you at least try to keep an open mind about this woman. Hopefully she'll have some awareness as to the delicateness of the situation. Admittedly, that email strikes me as tone deaf, but evidence that she is at least trying. Having observed something like this from a slight distance, I'm guessing that you are not the only one in your father's life who feels weird about the situation. In the situation I observed, the much younger woman was overly sensitive to any reference to the age difference.
Even if it was in the context of discussing something that happened before she was born. You can imagine how well this went over with people who had known him for much of his life. It was also hard to see the older man's daughter deal with her father dating a woman her age. It didn't help that this woman lacked the daughter's intelligence and maturity. As far as I know, she never said anything, but it was evident that the situation was stressing her out. Give this new woman a chance, try to keep an open mind, but don't beat yourself up if you meet her and still feel uncomfortable.
In the situation I mention above, people dealt with their reactions by trying to focus on the positive effects the woman had on the man's life, so maybe you can try to keep that in mind. I also don't understand why people are being so freakin' judgmental of you. I guess everyone else would have no problem with this kind of age disparity, but I can tell you all the people I know would be weirded out by this.
She intellectually knows she shouldn't be bothered--she's trying to figure out how to deal with that visceral, instinctual feeling! And damn, have you guys never been confronted with trying to reason away feelings you know you shouldn't have? I think you are dealing with this incredibly gracefully, actually.
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I think there are a number of things going on here, so maybe if you tried to break them down they would help. You are probably not ready to replace your step-mom, not inside anyway. You want your dad to be happy, but you also want things to be going at a pace you're comfortable with, and six months into a relationship is not something you're comfortable with. The fact that she is so young only exacerbates it because you start worrying she expects to be your "elder" when she's your age.
Remember, this is probably not her reasoning. She knows how weird this all is, and she wants to try to be helpful. It is unfortunate it provoked the exact opposite reaction. Try to assume the best of her before believing the worst. I understand why this would bother you. You keep thinking "This girl and I could have shared a locker! But please, look in the mirror--do you look like a teenager? Do you look like you were in middle school, or high school, or the babysitter's age?
Of course not, you look like a grown woman. The girlfriend looks like a grown woman too. If you should pull any comparison between this and the babysitter situation, it's that your dad may key word here is may desire his youth and innocence back when he feels in a time of crisis. Whatever led him to think cheating on your mom was a good idea was clearly a time of crisis; and breaking up after twenty years of marriage and being thrust into the dating pool at the age of 60 is also a time of crisis.
Perhaps this woman reminds him of simpler, happier, more energetic times, and he wants to recapture it through her. Is it possible you are then ashamed of him? Is it possible you are worried that your dad, your amazing dad, is proving himself again to be like that stereotypical old man who just wants the younger, prettier girl, who can't be happy with a woman his own age because he's buying into this idea of what women "should" be?
That this is severely shaking your admiration of him? The person you describe as his ideal dating partner is someone anyone would be proud to be related to. But the kind of relationship your dad is now in is usually stereotyped where the old guy is immature and weak and shallow, and you hate to have anyone--including yourself--looking at your dad that way. You recovered from realizing your father was human, and flawed like all other humans, and here you feel you may be forced to face that again.
But understand that this relationship could be a wonderful one, one between a woman like your ideal who happens to have an old soul, a woman who does not want to try to parent you because she knows it would be inappropriate, a woman who just wants your dad happy and who instills in him new energy and life at a time when other people his age start winding down. Or it could be terrible. But you don't know yet, because it's only six months in and you've never met his girlfriend.
It is OK to have those feelings of ickiness. Write them down, get it all out, analyze them and break it down. Just don't let it affect how you treat your dad and his girlfriend. Don't make assumptions before you know what the deal really is.
Remind yourself every time you are going to communicate with him or his girlfriend that you know nothing about her or how the relationship is working, so you cannot be in a position to judge it. This may sound weird, but I'm going to reference the Bible here, specifically the prohibition about sleeping with "your father's wife. I only bring it up because the Bible, written thousands of years ago in a culture that was arguably far more sexually conservative than ours is, assumed that fathers would be marrying women that could under other circumstances be sexual partners for their children.
So how does this apply in your situation? First to recognize that this is something that happens. This particular issue is old. But second, just because a woman marries your father does not mean you have to think of her as a step-mother. Sure, that's now what we call all people so situated, but thinking of her as "your father's wife" is probably far more palatable, as it conjures up none of the authority relationships that might otherwise be there. Just because she's married to your father doesn't mean that she's your mother.
I would think a relationship of camaraderie would be more natural than one of deference.
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I think what is called for here is more good humor than anything else. If you love your dad, as you seem to, you might want to consider giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming he has decent tastes. You have the opportunity to get to meet and be close to someone who might well be a pretty cool person who also just happens to be involved with your father.
And you know what? Though we now think of people as becoming adults older than we used to, once a woman hits 30 there isn't anyone that's "too old for her. At that point she's been an adult almost as long as she hasn't. Yeah, the babysitter thing matters.
This whole thing is creepy. Theoretically, we can be all happy and hold hands and be pro-love in all its forms and blah blah blah, but in reality, I think the vast majority of people would be uncomfortable with this. Of course, feelings don't have to translate into behavior and you'll probably have to continue being polite but distant.
No one here would argue that dad hooking up with the babysitter was wrong, but I don't see the connection between then and now. If your dad is really happy, and you don't come to terms with it, then you are creating a problem. If you have a problem with your dad's wife, it's exactly that: Deal with it like an adult. You can't possibly believe a woman your age would treat you like a stepmother, do you? If she's trying to be nice, then, for now, take her at her word and go from there. If I had a step daughter or son my own age, I'd feel like Tell her what you're telling us She 's probably really, really nervous about meeting you unless she's a dipshit or something , so hold off your judgment until that happens.
No, strike that-- retract your judgment of her, since you seem to have done so already. And if you're embarrassed by the weird family ties, you're not alone. But plenty of families have much, much stranger relationships than this. Feels like a significant chunk of potentially useful information is missing, in terms of sharing thoughts. Aside from the age issue, what's the galpal like to the extent that you have insights? Stable emotionally and operationally?
On decent financial ground? Common interests with your father? Reasonably healthy in a physical and emotional sense? I've always liked a lyric, "skirt around the danger zone and don't talk about it later," too often been too good at that, though sounds not implausible that in the right time and place you and your dad can have a fuller conversation about this? My 64 year old father is in a relationship with a woman who is a year older than me-- Dad lives in England, I'm in Australia, and we didn't speak much after he told me, because I was grossed out.
She is none of those things. In fact, she's pretty decent, and they make each other happy. So while it seems a bit weird to some people, I can see why they are together, and it stopped being 'wrong'. You don't say how long you've known about it, but give it time. Either they will break up, and you won't have to worry about it, or she will stick around, and you will get a better understanding of WHY they are together, and then it won't seem so bad.
She's a grown ass woman. I think the too young too old issue disappears once you are well into your 30s. My dad has dated, with only one or two exceptions, women younger than himself since my parents' divorce over 30 years ago. Some have been much younger. My dad is 25 years older than I am and has dated women my age, or within a few years of my age in either direction, on many occasions. This really squicked me out when I was in my 20s.
Part of the reason for my discomfort, I think, was that he was mostly unavailable to me when I was growing up.
A dad involved with a girl his daughter's age?
He and I think the world of each other, but he is not that great at being there for the people he loves, emotionally or otherwise. This is just how he is. It hurt me a lot when I was younger. Now in my 40s I realize that he's really the one who missed out. Of course, this knowledge hurts too, only it is for him that I hurt and not for me.
why do i feel weird about my dad dating someone my age? | Yahoo Answers
Your situation might not be parallel to mine. You might not feel weird about it for the reasons I did. But whatever your reasons, I don't think you are wrong or selfish or unreasonable for having the feelings you are having. Some people might think that you are being unreasonable, but it's OK for them to think that. That can be their problem rather than yours. Whatever is at the root of your feelings, it sounds like your dad's new girlfriend is trying to reach out to you, to make him happy, and to be sensitive to your feelings. I would probably find it weird if my dad got into a relationship with someone my age now and for all I know, he is in just such a relationship, since I haven't yet met his current significant other, as they live miles away from me , but I think I would be OK with it, too, because I want him to be happy and I get now that life isn't always so neat and tidy and age-appropriate.
Also, maybe you can have family counseling WITH your dad present. That could be very helpful to you. He's really the one who should go into counseling to find out what his problem is regarding dating. Often guys don't want to get counseling. Well, it's a saying in psychology that usually everyone in the family seeks counseling except the family member who's the source of the problem.
So it may be a stretch to get him to seek help, but you go ahead and save yourself. If you can't afford a private counselor, see if there's a women's resource center, or your pastor, or someone. But I'd love to see you get independent support for yourself, since you're out there floating alone on this one. All the best to you! The guy that I'm considering is older than her!
My dad has 5 kids! She just graduated high school! I know how you feel. I have been trying to talk him out of it, but if that doesn't work, I'm just not going to be around my dad. He doesn't come around much as it is.. I don't know if that helped, but you're not alone! Tell him that you're upset about it. You want someone to look up to in a "motherly" way, not a sister.
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Girls tend to be more cultural beings than guys and they like to be around people who understand how to talk. I think the reason why you're feeling weird is because probably you might have thought of yourself dating a person the same age as your dad. I think it is not in your nature seeing older people date younger people, especially when it's in your age bracket, because you didn't grow up with that belief, practice or perspective in life.
I think you have been used seeing other people date their age or somewhere in your age bracket. That's all I can say. You just have to accept that your dad isn't just your dad -- he's his own person, with flaws and everything. Because she might eventually become your step-mom and moms are not supposed to be your age. I would like to ask the same question as the previous person. Maybe if you date a Milf he will fill how you fill, our you will understand how he fills.
Some dude sitting in the coffee shop beside me. Related Questions Am I just a weird dork for not dating at age 13? Im feeling so weird about my mom dating? What do you think is the oldest age to date without it being weird? Why does my dad date younger women? I feel like I shouldn't date this girl cause of age difference?