Connecting with another person means to integrate with curiosity, joy, and wonder for what makes both of you unique.
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This uniqueness, which we all possess, is to be celebrated, not squashed under the hefty weight of emotional control issues. Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday. You may unsubscribe at any time. By subscribing, you agree to the terms of our Privacy Statement. Franca Gimenez Have you ever had a friend who suddenly disappears off the social scene, changes their appearance, or gives up their goals and unique personality traits, at the beginning of a relationship? He Comes on Strong Controlling guys will often immediately come on strong, which can be very flattering initially, but is a common sign of their need for control.
Your Time is His Time Controlling guys quickly, and with great skill, try to make you feel as if anything you do, other than things that include them, is a disruption to the life you have together. He Lacks a Social Life Having a fantastic social life is rarely something a controlling person can do successfully. More From Thought Catalog. Don't reward bad behavior. Many women fall prey to the notion that the correct way to handle an insecure man is to smother him with affection or appease him. Women think, "If I show him how much I love him, he won't think that I think less of him or he won't think that I might be cheating on him.
Don't allow him to snoop or invade your privacy. Don't allow him to question yourself. You can still love your man by being supportive and by helping him overcome his insecurities. Not tackling the problem directly and masking it with superficial shows of affection don't solve the problem—they only hide it for awhile.
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He Pointlessly Criticizes You It may start out with small criticisms that only come once in a while, but once your boyfriend begins criticizing you constantly, he's displaying controlling behavior that is a cause for concern. Common Criticisms From a Controlling Man: He comments on your clothes, your weight, your hair, or anything else about your physical appearance. Criticizes your way of talking.
It can be something stupid like the way you pronounce "tomato. Comments on your cooking. Criticizes your tone of voice. Comments on your decision making.
How to Handle It: The ability to take criticism is noble and even rewarding, but accepting pointless criticism is self-destructive. After all, it's impossible that everything you do is wrong. Realize that he's not doing it to make you a better person. If he were truly caring and supportive, he would offer constructive advice on how you can improve and also pair that with positive feedback to encourage you. Pointing out something he doesn't like is not constructive criticism; it's bullying.
Understand that you don't need to change.
14 Warning Signs of a Controlling Boyfriend: How to Deal With a Controlling Relationship
If everything you do is wrong, it can be hard to feel loved and accepted. But how do you change and what should you change? If everything single little thing you do is "wrong" in his eyes, then you are clearly not the one for him. Have an open discussion: If it gets to point where you question why he's still with you despite him hating everything that you do, sit him down and respectfully ask him to explain his thoughts. Let him know that you feel like you won't be able to please his every expectation, and that you cannot constantly change every little thing about yourself. The conclusion to this discussion may be that you both decide to break up, but if he can't accept you, then it's best to walk away now before his controlling behavior turns into emotional manipulation and possibly physical abuse.
Threats and ultimatums are really extreme examples of controlling behavior. You may think you can change your boyfriend by agreeing, talking it through, and maybe even coming up with compromises, but responding to threats with anything other than a "no" only establishes a position of weakness, which your boyfriend will use to his advantage. Realize he doesn't truly love you: This is a hard pill to swallow, but it's the truth. If he really loved you, he would do everything to make you happy. A loving boyfriend would not threaten to break up with you or threaten to withdraw certain acts of kindness in order to get his way.
This is extremely selfish behavior. Never stay in a relationship that is held together by threats. If the only reason you two are still together is because you give into his threats, then you are in an abusive relationship. Seek help from a trusted friend, a family member, or an authority figure, and find the courage to walk away. He Isolates You From Others A guy that attempts to isolate you from your support network is someone who is trying to assert his dominance.
Signs He's Keeping You Isolated: Don't believe what he says. These rumors are likely not true. He is only painting a bad image of these people to separate you from them and push you closer to him. If your boyfriend forbids you from having friends or from being with your family, he is taking away what is most valuable to you. Ask yourself if being with your boyfriend is worth losing everyone else in your life. He Spies On You or Actively Distrusts You Going back to the whole insecurity thing, controlling people often don't trust their partners.
He Acts Like You Owe Him For Everything Another manipulation tactic of someone who is controlling is to make you feel like they "do so much for you," that you owe them your compliance. This is a message that he's sending to you: He Uses Conditional Sentences to Make You Feel Inadequate A controlling boyfriend tries to change you by making you feel like he would only love you or stay with you if you are exactly the way he wants you to be. He'll use phrases like: I would love you even more if you lost a little weight.
If you took better care of yourself, maybe you would actually look hot. If only you had a college degree, you would get along better with my friends. I don't even know what I'm getting out of this relationship if you can't even do this for me. I love you when you wear that dress. He Keeps Score of Everything in the Relationship He keeps a mental record of everything the both of you do in the relationship so that he can use them to blame you, to ask for a favor in return, or to make you feel like you didn't do enough. He Expects Sex No matter how big of gentleman your boyfriend is outside of bed, there is no excuse for him to pressure you to have sex.
He Plants Seeds of Doubt A partner should be encouraging, should build your confidence, and push you to believe in yourself. How to Deal With It: He Uses Guilt to Control You Controlling people are highly skilled manipulators, and they like to use guilt as a way of getting people to conform to their wishes. Signs he is guilt-tripping you: He acts disappointed in you when things don't go his way He compares you to other people He brings up the past He blames you He makes himself sound like the better person in the relationship You feel uncomfortable saying no because you know his reaction will make you feel bad about yourself How to Deal With It: Tell you boyfriend you understand how important his wishes are.
Let him know that you feel resentment after complying to his wishes, and that you want to do things for him out of love, respect, and mutual agreement, not through guilt and resentment. Ask him to try expressing his wishes directly, and assure him that you will fully consider what it is that he asks for, but that he should also respect your decision and understand why you might say no.
Try to be kind and patient. Unless your boyfriend checks off more than half the signs of this list, he may not necessarily be a controlling person—just someone with a few controlling habits. If you are both willing to work through the relationship and find better ways of communicating, try to help him let go of controlling habits by giving him gentle and loving reminders.
He Makes You Feel Beholden to Him A truly controlling boyfriend will shower you with material things—gifts, expensive vacations, etc.
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Is Your Boyfriend Controlling? The Controlling Boyfriend Checklist Does your boyfriend show any of the signs above? Yes, all of them. Questions must be on-topic, written with proper grammar usage, and understandable to a wide audience. What do I do if my boyfriend doesn't want to break up, but he still can't change his ways?
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- 7 Early Warning Signs A Guy Is Going To End Up Being Controlling AF?
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A good counselor will quickly figure out what the problem is. If you see any positive changes in your partner, be quick to acknowledge and praise them. Set some new boundaries for yourself. For as long as you remain in the relationship, protect yourself from further emotional abuse by this controlling man. You may not be able to stop his controlling behaviors or words, but you can stop how you react to them. Your guilt trips will not work with me any longer. If you tell your partner your plans or make a decision about something, and he is unhappy or tries to control you — don't give in as you've done in the past.
Try to ignore or sidestep his nonsense. If you give in, he'll see that you don't mean business, and he'll escalate his behaviors. If you decide to leave, make a plan. You may ultimately decide the relationship isn't fixable, and your partner will never change. For him, the ultimate lack of control is watching you walk out the door. Make a plan in advance of ending the relationship with the steps you must take to leave. Consult an attorney, have a support team of friends available, work with a counselor on your exit strategy, think through your finances and living arrangements, and make sure you have a plan for your kids if you have them.
Whatever you do, don't allow controlling behavior to continue unchecked. The longer it goes on, the more your mental and emotional health suffers. As your confidence and self-esteem ebbs away, it becomes harder to stand up for yourself and reclaim your power in the relationship. Controlling men get you where they want you. When their goal is achieved they tire of and get bored.
When they see you excel and move on happily that is when the abuse escalates. My ex is phycopathic since he left me and saw that I am doing well and am very happy without him. If you decide to end your relationship be aware controllers do not let go easily.
7 Early Warning Signs A Guy Is Going To End Up Being Controlling AF | Thought Catalog
Stay, strong , stay safe. There is a much better life for you he will hate when you start living it. He will never change he will be worse than before. Red flags when we were dating. But I married him anyway. Going on 4 years. We have a 2 year old. I completely feel held hostage, because of his threats about custody. Right now, im staying because of her — because he threatens me with her if I mention being unhappy.
Annie, please talk with an attorney. He can threaten all he wants, but there are laws in place related to child custody. If you are nervous about calling an attorney, ask a friend to do it for you. Arm yourself with information. I m married to man for 6 months after being in a relationship for 4 years.
I recognized it to be an abusive and manipulative relationship before my marriage but he convinced or manipulated my family to marry me and I had to give up and marry due to my family pressure. My mother is a heart patient and presently medicated for dippression after the death of one of my elder brother she suffered depression. After marriage I tried to give a chance to the relationship and was a good wife according to me. I did not wanted a child and he also reassured me that he will take necessary action when time comes means he would terminate the pregnancy with meds.
I was stupid not to notice that it would be a form of abortion but then to I tried to talk to him to take precautions beforehand but he did not pay heed. And in one month only I became pregnant and when I asked for meds he came out with a reason that those meds have side effects and their will be problems in conceiving in future and I live in a conservative society where family planning is not ethical again whole family was involved and I was wrong for being adamant to abort my child.
In this course I was stressed and upset and was not feeling like having any physical intimacy then too many time he forcefully did it and one night when I was trying to avoid being physical he took overdose of medicine when I was asleep and woke me up and told me and my sleep was spoiled. Next morning I was to stressed with all this that I also tried to take overdose of meds and finish all the stress and in an attempt to stop me he hit me and when the fight grew he even abused me told me I killed my bro and everything that could hurt me.
But again his actions were justified he did everything to prevent me from attempting suicide and I was again guilty to push him to hit me. This all happened I 1. My parents are do not appreciate him hitting me but they are OK like its just one instance.