You talk about an issue, and your partner relates it immediately to something that happened to him; your story fades as his takes over. Or you and your partner disagree and somehow you end up second-guessing yourself, as if dissent threatens his very well-being. If this all sounds familiar, perhaps you, too, are living with or dating a narcissist. The big, charming personality is typical of narcissists. When they shine their light on you, it is easy to fall hard. But that fall becomes painful when other narcissistic traits make themselves known.
Narcissists are hypersensitive to any perceived critique. Feedback other than flattery feels like a slight and can trigger extreme anger. They feel deeply injured by criticism and have an excessive need for praise and admiration. This is not what real love feels like. Falling in love may put you off balance, but standing in love firmly grounds you.
An absolute essential ingredient of a good relationship is emotional safety—you need to feel safe to be the real you! But it is very difficult to be yourself when you have such an emotionally volatile partner. Narcissists are often arrogant, self-important, and devoid of empathy.
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Narcissists see you not as you, but more as an extension of themselves. To be seen and adored for who you really are, though, is the highest form of romance. Their needs steamroll over yours. A patient once told me this story: We love thought provoking movies! How could you not get that story?!
From that point on, more and more pieces of my true self went silent. This exemplifies how quickly the benign can become malignant and destroy emotional safety.
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Living with or dating narcissists feels like you have to tiptoe around minefields and are constantly on guard to not set them off. Narcissists take everything so personally because underneath their grandiose bravado lurks profound self-loathing—they need to be shored up by constant external praise. Being that perfect, flattering mirror is depleting, and after awhile, your needs become enmeshed with theirs.
You lose sight of where they end and you start. You become so busy shoring up the narcissist that you have nothing left for yourself. You tend to disappear. Meanwhile, as you are doing all that work to build up your partner, he or she may be busy tearing others down. The classic example comes from Snow White and the narcissistic Evil Queen. Maleficent needs constant reassurance from her Magic Mirror that she, indeed, is the fairest of them all.
But once Snow White comes into the picture, Maleficent feels threatened by the competition and sets out to destroy her. In real life, narcissists need to cut down others to build themselves up. Even when you are in the glow of a new relationship, and the charm offensive is blindingly bright, watch for clues that all may not be well.
If he needs to criticize others to show how grand he is by comparison, he will likely do the same to you. Besides noticing how he treats the people around him, look at his history. Is it filled with long-term friendships or littered with relationships—romantic or business—in which he has inevitably been wronged? If he easily condemns those he previously cherished, chances are that dark light will shine on you at some point, too. The narcissist who keeps himself elevated by putting down others eventually might become competitive even with you. I knew that my husband needed a lot of attention, but I never realized how much, until I stopped giving it to him in the usual doses, because I was so busy caring for our baby.
I could no longer be so focused on him. Our relationship got ugly fast. Before having children you had more energy to attend to the narcissist. Some narcissists feel threatened and jealous of the attention that you devote to your kids; other narcissists use their children to feed their ego; and others are so preoccupied with themselves that they completely neglect their kids.
How Do You Recover from Dating a Narcissist?
Of course, all of these are detrimental for a child. Disagreeing with a narcissist or working through issues is extremely difficult. In addition to their inability to see your point of view, they cannot own their stuff. Their extreme defensiveness shuts down their ability to learn, and that impinges on your ability to grow as a couple.
Narcissists simply do not make good partners. You may hold on to the fantasy that if you shore them up enough, they will eventually get around to taking care of you, too. The journey to discovering your authentic self requires you to get painfully honest to work through your distressing feelings. Here are some questions that can lead you to clarity and help you figure out whether you just need more tools to cope, or you really need to extricate yourself. Why did you pick him or her? Does she remind you of the way you were loved by one or both parents?
Have you just unknowingly repeated the scene of the original crime— your own childhood? Or are you trying, with your partner, to have a happier ending than you did with your parents? Do your constant attempts to please him require a hyper-vigilance that is draining? Are you seeing things as they are, or are you making constant excuses?
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- In a Relationship with a Narcissist? What You Need to Know About Narcissistic Relationships!
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Do you feel like your needs are constantly overshadowed in spite of all of your efforts to communicate them? Or is there safe space for your feelings? Are you being gaslighted? Narcissists have a tendency to deny things they said, or claim they said something else. They are unaware of the impact they are having on you or others. If ever you have doubts about a partner, and they are not taken seriously. If you see flashes of extreme envy toward yourself especially!
If your achievements are not really celebrated. If you are cut down while the other is raised up. When you wonder why this person loves, or even likes, you. They seem to have no sense of shame, and force things to go their way. When there is anything hidden, like finances. Run away, as fast as you can. Your life will be strangled, your gifts and true goodness warped or lost. Your sense of direction, your moral compass, your vision of the world—skewed, smashed. I was scared for my life, as were my siblings. His assault landed him in court, where I had to testify while he stared me down with the most evil look.
A 2 year restraining order, and some assault charge that carried no jail time, was put on him. He stopped pursuing me.
Moving On: Life After Dating A Narcissist
After that, I saw him only from afar, a few times, for those two years— but I always looked over my shoulder, I was afraid to go to the city where he had told people I had narced on them turned out that was a lie, and many of those people actually liked me and felt really sorry for me! For two years I struggled to get some life back.
He immediately moved a lover I knew nothing about into my house and onto my dirty sheets and used towels! At the end of those two years, to the very date, he showed up at my work, all sentimental smiles and flowers! I told him no, and never to bother me. But he kept popping up, acting all nice and— I realized his narcissism could not bear to have me in the world, hating him. These people are so dangerous. He once gloated over me, while we were divorcing, that I had been so easy to deceive the whole thing is your fault, he said, because you were so easy to manipulate.
These people are killers, too. I have one friend who died suddenly, and I knew her husband was a narcissist. He sold her car and most of her stuff before the funeral cremation had a new girlfriend really, a lover from his office in the house in a month. Moved to a new state far off in 5 months. My friend had some medical problems but— no autopsy. That could have been me, or you. I really think he killed her. I think that is a true risk with these people.
They can be so enchanting, charming, almost addictive—as my ex was. Watch yourself while you are with them, then when you leave them— if they are not done with you yet, and you decide to leave, they will be absolutely wounded, and a narcissist is capable of things you would not even think of. I think you covered the nearly exact version of my husband and me — with the exceptions my husband was a very good looking underachiever from a broken home — what my friends called a loser but whom I thought was capable of everything he said he wanted. I am 61 and abandoned after 23 years — and yes, he says I was just stupid to believe him — they do not have the same values and they will leave you for dead — because you being alive is just one more proof they arent what they say they are.
Not be treated like they are diseased serial killers. Dont run from someone you are in love with, help them through it. And entered myself into therapy through an anger management program after my divorce left me feeling betrayed and unable to consider why my wife of 5 years and 2 daughters could possibly do what she did to me. I learned that I suffer from narcissistic behavior, and that I was torturing her. And a woman, even a good one can only handle so much. I have learned a great deal about myself since that time. Dedicated to staying sober and celibate I began my journey to correct my behavior.
Now 10 years later, I have found myself in a wonderful relationship with the most amazing woman I have ever met. We have many differences yet we have managed to have an amazing relationship. And now with a recent promotion at a new job, we spend less and less time together and I have noticed an increase in alcohol use.
We have an increasingly difficult time communicating and I am so afraid that my behavior is becoming tortuous to her. She suffers herself from depression issues and she is also divorced. She has been off her medication for more than a year. We have both agreed that we need to see a therapist. However the financial stresses of life make that a difficult choice. My income is so tight due to child support and ex house payments. Yet I am aware of my behavior and find it difficult to constantly monitor. It is very difficult living as a narcissist. It took 15 weeks of therapy just to accept that this is a reality of myself.
I really want to do this right. I do not wish to torture my mate. And find it increasingly difficult to bite my tongue and just listen. The frustration is that it seems like I am the only one that does listen. I have a very good relationship with my 2 girls, but for how long if my behavior is not corrected. I am doing my very best in finding outlets to my behavioral disorder. However working around the clock and only seeing my lady in passing through the week is challenging. I have a history in substance abuse.. In my childhood I had a wonderful family. My little sister has a wonderful husband.
My mother passed away at the age of My father is a pilot and flies all over the world. I am so proud to call him dad. Yet I am the black sheep. I moved out of my parents house when I was 16, married at 19, and divorced at Now 32 with 13 and 11 year old daughters that live more than an hour away, I am finding myself falling back into the same patterns. Hi Margaret, If I can give you any advice after the last 9 months of being with a narcisist that I loved dearly is. I have studied this now, spoken to many people.
The the narcissist is not going to help you. You can only help yourself. I met a woman through friends who I feel in love with. The first real love connection since my divorce 4 years ago. This woman is one of the most attractive and intelligent women I have ever met. I would have children with her. She told me that she loved me but. I have never felt so alone as when I was with her.
I couldnt understand how this person could say she loved me yet act in the reverse. I had to look at what she did not what she said. So always seeking the attention of men it was embarrassing. As of I was not there. When it was in her interest, she would considered and loving, when we had no plans, I could get no attention from her. For my own sanity I had to leave. Constantly on Facebook posting photos and looking for attention.
Rated how well get life was going by the number of likes. In the end I found her on to website that sought financial arrangements for love. She blamed me that I was not giving her enough attention. My daughters could not understand why a grown up would behave the way she did. In the end my eldest daughter would joke. Walk away from someone who in done ways was so beautiful but in others so ugly and hurtful.
She will not change. She will continue to hurry the next man and the next and the next. Confirmation for me was that the day we broke up, she went out that night and smeared herself all over Facebook with another man and disgusting comments of what they may have got up to. I did not see them and the next night she claimed she was ill and she asked me to come over and stay the night so she had company. She had no words but just blame. But do much for the best. It hurts today still at the moment. She was mentally ill. I deserve to be happy as well.
You must leave and find happiness. I was married to a Narc who was 15 years younger than me. I met her when I was She was very attractive and following a whirl wind romance, we got married six months after we met. This was crazy behaviour but I had fallen completely in love with her and she told me that she loved me also. It took me about 2 months to realise that things were not right. Her behaviour was really odd — always seeking the limelight and on a high one moment and crying with despair the next. She was manipulative and Had a massive sense of her own self importance.
We had three beautiful daughters who are the love of my life. I provided my wife with everything that she wanted but in the end we split in very acrimonious circumstance and I have not spoken to her for 5 years. I was completely outclassed in deception and it is with some regret that I know it will never happen again. My life was nearly destroyed by this narcisicist but I managed to break free and I can now look ahead with a degree of confidence about my future. I think i may have just been in a relationship with one.
I would like to talk to someone who knows more about this because i have never experienced anything like it until now. My girlfriend went out to run an errand on July 22nd and just now messaged me, she only wants her clothes back. Is this at all a good idea, or will this just give her another reason to keep jumping into my life as pleases?
I am planning on leaving the state any day now, I need distance and reduced access to lick my wounds. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Rita of Cascia endured years of abuse. I will keep you in my prayers and remember, none of this will matter in years time! Pray for me too please James. I am a Christian married to someone I suspect is a narcissist. Read up on narcissism. I was once in your position. I started my blog to help people like you NOT have to go through what I did!!! Margaret, leave the relationship.
The sooner the better. But it is not real, or healthy by any means. I have been going through this for 16 years never married and always tried to fixed the problem. Even though its hard!!! I have to do it for my son…all the best! It would be helpful to learn why you ended up in such relationship, to understand your own issues. This knowledge will be helpful in your healing. There is plenty of info on internet. But I ted to over analyze details to be able to apply them. Can someone please help me identify my personal behaviors. I find the description to vague , great deal possible the denial side is in high gear here.
I also dated one before him. I just wanted to say…. There is nothing there. We had relationship problems mainly with the red flags I was seeing. My observations of her behavior led me to believe she was cheating. She ultimately lead me to believe I was crazy and put me on a massive guilt trip for having called her on my suspicions. In all of this she made it about her putting on a big show about how much pain she was in due to me accusing her of cheating.
It was really pretty weird cause if you think about it, if your partner accuses you of cheating, and you are not, and they are clearly certain that you are… based on their obvious mental state…. Instead she made it all about her, with a total inability to be compassionate and put herself in my shoes, to share my feelings and my hurt.
I went on this torrential reading spree devouring every self help book I could get to try to understand and find center, regain my reason and wait for it??? Try to fix the situation. I was excited by the prospect of us working through the methods together to improve our relationship!!! She showed little interest. Now to address what another said earlier, being in this relationship is a very lonely situation.
She tells me she loves me in monotone with no visible emotion and yet the elephant in the room is her complete emotional unavailability! Did I mention the passive aggession and the silent treatment? Acts different at home and out in the world… constantly worried about her image. In case of confusion about my post above. I end up questioning in my own mind everything she says, not actually physically questioning her cause that would create a war zone here.
See if you can get into therapy with someone good. Nicole, your post was a long time ago but for anyone wondering if you yourself are a narcissist just take this survey. I can totally empathise with your experiences and I believe the comment about taking responsibility is very accurate. I too have experienced narc relationships. My father is narc and very adept at making you feel responsible. I played this role for many years as did my mother. When I challenged it I was cut off ignored.
My siblings have spent too long with my father and have adopted the same patterns, so I have withdrawn, which has been my saving grace. Be assured your ex will look for someone she can control as thats her modus operandi, yours has been the rescuer cos thats been yours. All the best for a happy future. Dee, i have a question for you, since your father is a narc like you posted in your post, I have a friend that his mother seems to be one, and is very upset with me, and tells everyone that our relationship is not approved of by her, because its unhealthy.
The only unhealthy part is when she is continuously yelling and screaming at one or both of us. He is a very very kind person, but he has this person, that will track him down, if he is not where he said he was going to be, or if he said something positive about me, she would come over and raise hell, I am not sure if i should continue to wait for him, or just let him go, my heart says to wait, but my head says to give up.
I am having a very hard time with this because of how close we have got, and all of a sudden one day he is not around anymore, and after every fight that his mom has put towards me and him, he has continued to tell me its not my fault, and to stay positive, and take care of myself, but yet I am worried sick about him, and his children, because I know way to much, that everyone in his family is denying the fact that I am right and she is wrong. Can you please help me? Short version of why you are drawn back: Hello — I wanted to add to the above note.
The website mentioned above has been tremendously helpful in giving me the knowledge and strength to leave the abusive narssistic man I have been involved with for almost 10 years. He is always right never wrong. My needs have never been met. He changed and started following a African religion, turned into a vegan, anything I say have no meaning since he changed. He gets a rise out of defending the mother of his son, and talking to other women on facebook saying he can do what he wants.
If I mention the women or his ex he protects them by making me feel like they are better than me. He may be pushing me away, because everything we had in common when we were married has gone. He stays on facebook morning to night, and does not have any kind of real conversation or communication with me. Then he told one of those facebook females that he blocked me from his page, so she could continue stimulating his intellect.
All in all, I live here with him and I have never felt so alone. I want nothing from him. I could have written exactly what you wrote! I just broke it off with a man who did almost EXACTLY the same thing… starting with how he gets a rise out of defending an ex… and talking to other women on facebook saying he can do what he wants…. I am rid of him!!! It does not change!!! It does not change. My spirit of fear, doubt, insecurities and judgement of others attracted this type of individual. I was the perfect supply.
When I began to love myself fully I was no longer fearful of the disrespect. The belittlement came stronger because they had to get me back to where I was. If you think on it…you probably know nothing about them personally other than how everyone disprespects them. They fall apart with any input that questions their knowledge.
Just believe me…until they are tired of changing partners and running from the truth, they will not change. I was married for 14 years to an NPD. The reason Jeff went back, the reason people feel like helping NPDs is called codependency. You need to understand exactly why each of you has gotten into these relationships. You all had an agenda… maybe it was to fill a void in your own lives. Dig deep, uncomfortably deep within yourself and the answers are there. Also look up co-morbidity definition. Wish you all luck, your answers are there, I promise you. Yea I realize melvin g.
Is not worth it. He is a cheater n big liar. Sometimes u just have to walk away from people like that. I know I will find true love. I have been in a relationship like this for 16yrs. I have little strength to fight this person it seems i just have to wait until he decides he no longer requires me and lets me go. Yes thank you to this website for making me aware. I actually was searching for answers thinking I was going insane. Whenever I am feeling sad about my decision of leaving this person I simply read this and it brings back all the terrible memories of why I had to leave.
Thank you so much. The father of my kid is a total narcissist. I see the good in him too but he is very mean to me. He is constantly putting me down about my appearance, my intelligence my past everything you can imagine. I get ripped to shreds every day here about something and am relentlessly maligned for every slight misstep or just for not doing things exactly his way at all times. He has zero concern for the emotional pain he causes me, the tears or the anguish in my face has never had any impact on him.
Sad, sad and more sad. I have a seven and a six year old, a girl and boy, they are witness to his put downs and also are following his suit at times. I cant challenge his behaviours at all. My family live klms away, I cant tell them. I am in the same boat. My husband is very careful of how he speaks to me in public with most people.
He will shoot me down in front of his mother and others in his family. But not in cocles where his psuedo personality is more familiar to other people. He is vicious to me. Completely not anle to see how he is hurting me and we have three children. If I left I would be blamed as the one who broke up the family and he would definitly foster that belief into them. He would also screw mw royaly Im sure of it. Heafter 15 years of marriage he still refuses to put my name on our house. When we went for our closing something happened where we had to put just his name to close the deal. And any time i ask he says.
Im not paying someone ti add your name. A pool, a finished basement…. The worst part for me is the psycological abuse and torment. He twists everything that I say and Always has to have center stage. Im never hearing him according to him , yet he NEVER lets me say anything without cutting me off, correcting me, getting angry. He always has to be right and then twists it that hes not that way.
He plays himself different in front of other people saying nice things about me as though he has admiration for me. I was interrupti g his sleep. I had to have my mom come bring me to the hospital. He stayed home sleeping. It was gas but I had never know a chest pain so bad and Im a 48 year old woman with three children who depend on me. Another time I had a scary test for a lung xray. I was so freaked out and scared he acted like there was something wrong with me and ignored me.
We had two sets of pastors and several therapists tried to help. Futile, hes a good performer. The last councelor saw right through his bullshit and called him out on some stuff. He never wants to ho back to him. Says its a waste of time. Im up at 2: That might tell yiu alot about how much pain I am in. Get out, get out, get out!! I did it — same situation as yours. You will be strong enough to fight and gain custody, should this issue arise. All the very best — it can be done. Took me years and years — but I am free. This in hopes that Jorge will reply. His is the only post I have seen from an admitted Narc.
Jorge, I am curious as to when and how you realized you had NPD and how it made you feel. What your thoughts and actions were and whether you have come to terms with it. This sounds like I couldhave wrotethis almost word for word. My husband and I have been Married 11 years and I feel so so alone. He will do evervything in his power not to spend Quality timewithme or evenhave sex withme. I dontknow what else to do. Inever linked it to narciccissitc before but maybe ontosomething. I just want to say that I have experienced so much of what is being discussed here.
I especially want to say to Broken that I feel her pain. My N husband passed away a few months ago. Not only was he extremely verbally abusive at times, he had a drug problem that he tried to keep hidden. He could blow up at the least little thing and make a terrible scene, but he also was so lovable in the family and at church. The relationship suffered and my love for him grew cold because I have never even heard anyone say some of the crushing things he said to me. As a Christian, I tried to forgive him as Christ has forgiven me, and at times, I do believe he was truly sorry but it was never going to stop completely.
He fought the rage, but his diabetes and total dependence on pain medications and all made it very difficult. We did enjoy some things together and he did a lot of handiwork and woodworking around the house, maybe to make up for the bad stuff. He was very talented on the guitar and creating his own songs and he won my heart so quickly.
If you have much invested in the relationship and especially for your children maybe find a way to endure and pray for God to give you strength and peace. And pray that God will change his heart. He really will hear your prayers and answer. Go to Him in prayer when you need to escape. Go for a walk, take a drive, take the kids to visit the grandparents. I raised my kids in a 20 year marriage that was very lonely. So I know the pain you feel Broken. I could not take a risk of him trying to take the kids so I stayed until they were old enough to decide for themselves.
My heart goes out to you and I wish I could help in some way. Trust God and He will be with you and show you the way. Dani, I know exactly what you mean. I know i had a mother who is very narcissist and very insecure. I, however, do not believe i am insecure. Where, i am going with this is, my one and only just broke up with me today. There were numerous times in the relationship that he told me that he is more right than ever wrong.
BUt now i feel like i am inadequate and not worthy of the very one person that meant the most to me and i felt that i could learn a lot from him. He did think about things and how it would effect me from time to time and worked to change those things. I just am no longer happy and felt like i was always walking on egg shells around him too.
Then it turned into a situation where is tried breaking up with me several times only to take it back the next morning or get me to make the decision for him. Then he tells me things in the same conversation only to say he never said that all in the same conversation. Everything i say is an argument to him. He tells me i wanted everything my way, but i really think i wanted it him to meet me in the middle. I know what you mean about being on egg shells. I take full responsibility for that. In the beginning i knew i how to handle him. Then when i learned more and more about him and everything became harder and it was like no matter which way i stepped, i was never good enough.
Plus all the assumptions he had about me in the beginning only goes to show you he wanted to be right so bad. In the end, i am sure i have some narcissist ways as well. I work on those things already, because i know what they are especially when you come from the only woman role model in your life who showed you how to do things the wrong way instead of right. I chose to take that as a positive and make better choices. It has done wonders for me since growing up. I guess i never felt so insecure until i met this guy and got to know him further. He is not a bad person, he just thinks he is God.
I never got confused about things until i could no longer get things right, ever. It felt like a game to me. He said everything i did was a game to him. I am a woman. I have a want for higher learning and purpose in life. I work hard to get there. I am not there yet, but i will be. I will remember this instance to know that i will work hard to not step on people in the future because of what it feels like.
In situations like these, i cannot say it is all him or all me. You tried to establish effective communication. That is you working towards positive outcomes. Relationships are hard and require work. You were trying to do the work and it sounds like you were being undermined. Your partner had an agenda. How could a reasonable person understand if ridiculed and cut off when seeking clarity? Misery no end if you ask me, self doubt, frustration, insecurity and on and on. Just let him go. Love yourself a little…start right now today. I too learned what they are after a very painful and confusing experience with one.
The worst is that my father was one for sure, and even though I always tried to chose men very different from him I still managed to fall for one. They can be very charming and draw you in and make you feel very special and important to them. But they do this in order to extract Narcissistic Supply -ie rub their ego all the time. There is a condition related to Narcissism called Avoidant Attachement. It is beyond frustrating. I have a tendancy to make N friends. I realize that they are extremely good at attracting people into their social circle probably because their needs include constant attention.
I looked around the room and all the guests were nice people who would probably be too shy to have a group of people over themselves and were happy to be out for the evening. Without N friends I sit around the house and make posts like this. I am trying to make at least one thing happen for myself each day that does not feed an N person. I realize I have almost no balanced relationships and am scared of them due to low self — esteem. I believe practicing in small ways will help to form more balanced long term friendships and relationships. I would encourage others like me to do the same.
It makes not a bit of sense!!!
When It’s All About Them: Being Involved With a Narcissist
You keep going back for more and more, inexplicably!!! I will tell you why I believe it is so hurtful to us why they do not care…. It is just not part of who they are and they will never, EVER change!!! No matter how many times we explain ourselves, or pour out our hearts TO DEATH, and even try to put things in as simple as terms possible, it is as if we are speaking an entirely different language!
And it is sad, so sad, because it sucks the life out of you the more you fight it. It is a battle that cannot be won. The pain comes from not understanding why you are made to constantly feel wrong by the N. The pain will subside once your break the pattern of returning for more heartbreak.
Believe me, I was and am there. Nothing will heal you except time. You need to let go of trying to understand why they behave the way they do, because the answer is that they are narcissists. Hi Bertie, thank you so much for your post, you explained what I am feeling so well! We have two boys, 11 and 6. I came to live in my husband country on the other side of the globe leaving everything behind, I have been here for 8 years now. Its been VERY lonely I have learned the language and I have adapted and let go of the need to go back to live in my country Mom, Dad, Brothers sisters, cousin, grandparents, everyone is there.
He never showed empathy for my sadness, Its been very hard for me but somewhat I got used to it, I never talk about my country or my family, it is just something I have make myself somewhat forget. I decided about 6 moths ago I was going to make this marriage happier and that I was going to be happy so I could make my family happy.
So I been trying to be a better wife and mother, I have been focusing on my family like never before, I have been much calmer and understanding with my husband and I have definitely been trying to give him all the love I use to keep inside out of resentfulness for his lack of empathy. Two weeks ago I found out he is having an affair with a married woman at work. I spend one week trying to pick up my pieces to have the strength to confront him so I did, he was calm and told me, yes it is truth, so what?
For him every argument is a competition. Anyway, I am in the middle of this mess now and very afraid to loose him, since I can see that the texting with that woman is still going on and he is at work right now. I will keep reading post after post until I can find the strenth I need, so far reading all of your words is the only thing that keeps me balanced.
These kids may never get married live another year.. Walk on a beach.. Find the strength believe in yourself again … This is all just a test … A beautiful 27 year beautiful girl was killed in a car accident last week.. I try so carefully to address this topic with my wife. Trying to get her to understand and empathize with me. Trying to get her to speak with someone, because her judgement is compromised when it comes to the kids. But she always becomes defensive, then turns the conversation around to me, blaming me. And when discussing her activities she feels totally justified.
No remorse, no guilt, no shame, no sorrow! This is such a great response. Narcissists typically target sensitive caring people. People go back because they are trying to find the mask the narc wore when they first met them. The mask seemed so real. It must be in there somewhere inside the head of the narcissist. Find it and tell it there is this other evil sick human being inside their bodies and that I want to help the mask figure out how to conquer it. All in the hopes that the mask will finally be the one in charge and the sick twisted empathy-challenged selfish other will be relegated to a dark recess of their mind.
Losing out on a narcissistic relationship is like having your significant other die. You want to mourn this beautiful person because they are gone. The person I loved who loved me back so dearly! How can you mourn your lover when you see them every day?
Imagine knowing your mother, or sibling died. But then you see your mother or sibling at the mall and you are elated and want to run and hug them but then they scoff at you and treat you like shit and tell everyone around them that you are not their son or daughter. You are my daughter. Narcissists are extremely destructive because of this. The mask they use is perfect. It is exactly what you want and need. You fall in love, and the mask pretends to fall in love with you. In its place is this other thing that is clearly not your partner.
I see her using this masks on new supplies. Would I really turn it down if the mask ever comes back to talk to me? In the relationship I was in with my exN, he was my best friend, he loved me in a way I had never dreamed anyone would. We had future plans and did things together all the time. He told everyone that he was going to marry me, even took me to look at rings. Then 3 weeks ago, the day after Valentines day, we were spending the wekend together. Out of the blue he just started criticizing me, speaking to me in a way I had never seen from him EVER.
I started to cry and he got more and more angry… eventually turning very abusive just short of physical. I had taken cold medication and something to help me calm down from the panic attack I had while he was raging at me. The more I cried the angrier he got. He actually pushed me out of his house in my nightgown , it was after midnight, there was a foot of snow on the ground and the roads were very icy.
He tossed my keys out the door at me and the closed the door and looked at me through blinds. That talk never happened… instead I found him with an EX of his, that he had badmouthed to the extreme. I was crushed, but once I found out about the other woman I felt more anger than sadness because beforeI knew about the other woman, he tried to place all the blame on me for what happened, and I was agonizing over what I had done wrong. Going over and over it in my head.
Later, that night i called his cell and SHE answered. Another kick to the face!! I was furious, what a coward! BUT I Grieve constantly for the love and my best friend that disappeared over night. He has hurt me deeper than I believe I have ever hurt. I have to find a way for my heart to accept what my mind knows. I cry everyday for the loss of what I love so dearly. This man could not care less about the horrific pain he has caused.
Hope I can stay strong and resist if that mask ever comes back to talk to me. My girlfriend informed me yesterday by BB that our 1 yr relationship was over The reason being that I did not agree to rent a car for her — I did not agree because she does not have a full licence nor insurance yet she wanted me to rent it in my name whatever the consequences for me. And I found the car-rental response form her a bit extreme! I am 46 with a good career, professional, own business, academic-practitioner, nice house, big dreams, two lovely well-balanced girls from my marriage.
She is 29, single mother with three children, and lots of courage, grit, determination to improve her life. She was so supportive of me, proud of my career, took a lot of interest in what I did, my children etc. I was not even that concerned when she told me to BB her all the time to let her know where I was, what I was doing, when I got home safe etc. I found it endearing that she seemed to care so much. We would BB each other all the time. We would talk all the time too — it was all very obsessive. I got frustrated that we would agree to meet and then it would not quite happen, or she would be late But I put this down to her culture and would make excuses for her.
She made it clear that whilst there was no rush, she wanted me to put a ring on her finger with a bigger diamond then the one I had given my first wife that she wanted us to get married in Jamaica, have a house together with her kids, have a baby before she was35, set up a business together and so on. She wanted to meet my parents when she was ready but sometimes got annoyed when I would spend time with my children to the point of jealousy. More recently she had cosmetic surgery again — she is a size 10 anyway but insisted on spending her money on liposuction etc.
I even went to the hospital to look after her and care for her. She was pleased I was there she was in so much pain. As beautiful as she was in my eyes she insisted she had to do all this to make her feel better. Its taken her a few months to get herself back to feeling normal and recover and during that time I would see her but she would not want to go out. She wanted for nothing from me — nice clothes and shoes that she chose, handbags, breaks to Paris, new washing machine. I have helped her out with her children, I bought her the puppy she wanted…there was nothing I would not do for her if I had the money and the means to help I would.
Whenever we went our I paid for everything. She got so angry with me one night because I told her the route to the car park from the mall was one way and she insisted it was another I was right. But she shouted and screamed at me in the car all the way to her house, told me that how dare I think she was stupid and act the big man, that she was going to throw out all the gifts that I had bought her and then deleted me from her BB and told me we were over.
The next day she calmed down and we were back together again. There were good days and bad days and it changed from day to day. I never quite knew what version of her I was going to get. But we would BB and speak to each other every day and as from the early days I would always let her know when I was home safe. That was tough to take. She made me feel very very guilty and useless. It seemed that everything I had ever done for her was forgotten. However we started to overcome this setback and I thought we were getting back on track.
The past month has been pretty good. We would still BB each other every day and more recently she would phone me several times every day to see how I was. And I would do the same. We were back on track and getting closer again after her surgery. But there was a sense at the back of my mind that something had changed. More and more it seemed I could not do the right thing. She told me I was not treating her right even though I was buying her nice things. More and more she said I was dumb, stupid, made fun of me in front of her children and encouraged them to do the same.
I started to feel useless, lose confidence and felt like I was treading on eggshells most of the time. And then last week. On Tuesday after Easter we went out for the first time in months. She said I was not buying her nice things the week before so we went to the mall and I bought her what she wanted and we then went for dinner to one of her favourite restaurants.
Again all my treat. She asked me if I was still going to Jamaica with her in July. We talked about the future and we had a nice time. But I knew as soon as she told me that I was probably 24 hours away from being seen as dumb again. And so back to the beginning of this posting. I realised I could not sort the car rental out for her because it was illegal and would have got her and me in very hot waters. And so I sensed sex would be off the agenda too. She called me and said she would soon be sending me a BB message. That message was disgusting and hurtful.
She told me how useless I was, that she gave up on me and because I was not going to help her with the car rental she was going to have sex with her Ex that night because she was horny and I would not be needed in that department again! She had broken me. She upset me terribly We spoke that night she did not have sex with her ex!
She told me it was over. I was no use to her anymore. Friday night I emailed her the reason why I had not agreed because she had clearly not understood the full implications for her and for me. But she did not care one bit. She said the email was pointless, I had wasted my time and none of it got through to her. She was not bothered in the slightest. As far as she was concerned I had again let her down and had not done what she wanted.
In her mind I was now worthless. Reading all the postings today and more on the web I now realise what a narcissist she is. I feel I have been emotionally abused and all the signs suggest she is a narcissist and may indeed suffer from NPD. She has a history of depression in her family so I do not know if this is connected.
I realise as I am writing this she has long forgotten about me and could not care how I feel about all this. But I realise after all the research how unlikely that all is and how I could not ever take her back, because it looks like I have a had a lucky escape. I realise she has a low self esteem and needs to surround herself with material goods and gifts that make her feel good. That she uses her looks and her body to feel somehow worthy because she feels she has nothing else to offer.
That she cannot love me because she can only love herself. That the beautiful caring person I fell in love with was just a mask and that as we have got closer and closer she has got more fearful and her mask has finally slipped now that we are well beyond the honeymoon period. That the dream of getting married, living together and building a better life was just a dream for her and could have turned into a nightmare for me. I was moved to tears reading your comments. And no one who has not been with a Narc would understand.
You miss the person you thought they were.. Like part of you is dying… Thank you for sharing your experience. I was left by a narc and the sad thing is I tried to leave him 3 times prior to me being dumped. I felt so lonely at the time and it was always on and off three times during our relationship. Just out of the blue he told me not to call him again.
I have lost my trust.