Dating someone who still talks to their ex

He said he doesnt know what to expect but he feels like it needs to be done whether its closure or they want to try to make it work. Now i dont know what to do. He said he see something with me but hes not ready and i dont want to wait around and just be the other girl.

Dating Someone Who Lives With Their Ex (Best Advise Ever)

I dont know if hes just saying this to cut me off too in a suddle way but if he is being real a part of me wants to wait until he comes back and makes the decision. I was wondering if anyone could help me out. I had been seeing this guy who had just recently broken up with his ex of over a year.

He started talking to me the following week. We got along really well and I really luejd him and he told me all the sane stuff.

But it isn’t always an entirely bad sign if your new boo seems to be thinking about their ex.

He said he had wanted to stay friends. Well he went to a concert in the town she lives in and ended up staying at her place. I know this because I saw pictures of them cuddling. They are not back in a relationship together. He said her father was crazy and it was all just toxic. I feel like such an idiot. I really liked him. When we first started going out in had told him one of my boundaries was no talking to exes no exceptions.

About a few weeks into our relationship he calls his ex Cathy that he was on and off with for 10 years. He swears there is just friendship between them and they have no desire of getting back together. He called her in front of me and told her he was happy and found his angel. He called her a few times after that and always talked highly of me and how happy he is. Then it would be text messages and more phone calls, she always wanted to talk to him about her kids. Then shortly after that he wanted to talk to his other expenses Michelle, again to tell him how happy he is and to see what was going on in her life.

One day he was letting me read some text messages and I had found a response to his ex Michelle that he would call her later and they would have a long talk. I felt a knife go through my heart. Then about a year ago he said he still wants to talk to them. They are officially his phone so I hope so. He has apologized and swears he loves me and wants to marry me. He treats me like a queen. I basically wanted to know if it was truly over. He deflected me every time.

Told me I was jealous and all this bs. If the tables were turned I would say: He took my questions as some kind of control thing. He would also pull the hot and cold thing. Ok well why do you come to me all romantically, ask me to watch your dog and evaluate something for your business, and take me on an amazing date? It all makes so much sense I just had to break it off because of all the love. What do you do when even you bringing her name up to discuss the issue makes him defensive?

What if he trash talks and complains about you to her? This is crossing boundaries. He is now hiding their continuing communication on purpose because I told him it makes me uncomfortable and asked him to stop it. We had an argument about it. I feel like the trash talking and the flirting is the biggest betrayal of all. He is not respecting my feelings, and letting her pollute our relationship. So hurt and mad…. I wish I dumped him after the third lament.

Dear Eric, I feel like an idiot. I am in a relationship with a guy for over 14 months. He is nice, kind and caring and loving, but I have one difficult issue with us. When we started, he told me there is a woman in his life, he considers one of his closest friends, with whom he had a short relationship before me and it did not work out but she still has feelings for him. I got rather insecure so I wanted to know about their friendship. He kept it away from me, and he also told me that he cannot introduce me to her because he has to protect her feelings. In the meantime we threw a birthday party together to which she came he wanted to invite her and I had no strength to say that I do not want it, even though I would have preferred to have met her before.

During the birthday party we did not speak and when she was leaving she and him passed me by at the door, completely ignoring me. I was totally taken aback and quite angry. Later he still did not want to introduce me, and he was hiding from me his contact with her. I got completely frustrated and insecure and in the end, in the weakest moment of the year, when dealing with death of someone dear to me, I checked his email and I found out that he told her that I am insecure about her.

In response she gave him advice on how to be nice to me and she asked him about advice on a guy she met. In response to that he told her that she is a wonderful, sexy fantastic woman, worth of a great relationship. That happened all in email. Then I told him that I checked his email and I know he lied. He was very angry about it, which I understand, but we sort of patched things up and I finally met her.

What to Do When Your Boyfriend Still Talks to His Ex

However, here is the big issue. I do not understand their friendship, and I know I do not need to, as it is not my business, but I feel so incredibly insecure about this relationship of his and that drives me to obsession and close to madness. To clarify, he is also friends with two other exes first girlfriend and also with ex wife , with whom I have no problem whatsoever and do not feel the jealousy or insecurity about them. He was open about them to me from the start and I have a good relationship with his ex wife and I know his first girlfriend.

I do not want to control his relationship with the woman I am jealous about but I do not know how to handle this anymore. Thanks for the great article. Should I still take the approach you gave in the article and just accept the friendship and deal with my concerns on my own or is this a deal breaker?

I have a hard time not seeing the relationship as another tie to the infidelity which makes it hard for me to leave it in the past. Hi Eric, thank you for this article, food for thought. I found it by searching for information about why my partner would still be contacting his ex. I discovered it by accident and know that he still had feelings for her.

But through all this, he has still been the most loving, attentive and thoughtful partner towards me and we have a great relationship. However, I am really anxious about why they are in contact again, especially as things have slowly progressed in our relationship. We have recently spoken again about my feelings regarding this situation and he totally empathises with how I feel.

It might be purely innocent; she lives in the village where he used to live, they were neighbours and he still does work around the village so is bound to bump into her. I just wish I could believe what he says and stop fretting whether or not he still has feelings for her: I am hoping you can also give me clarity in my situation. If you want to respond to me directly to my email address, that is fine since this is a long message. My boyfriend exclusive and his ex-have been friends since childhood. They were in a 5 year relationship that ended before he met me. He explained to her that they could only be friends and nothing more.

I entered the picture shortly after. He told me they were still friends and still kept in touch. He assured me that it was just friendship and nothing more. He has told her he is involved with someone else. At the time she was hoping to rekindle the relationship he told me this , but he told her he was not interested. Even though I was uncomfortable with their continued friendship, I admit it made me uncomfortable. As my feelings for him grew deeper, it seemed to bother me even more.

His friendships are important to him and she is one of his few lifelong friends. So I tried to get a handle on my problem with it. As you said, it is my problem not his. Well I did the unthinkable. No, I did not seek it out to search for anything. It was perfectly innocent. I saw the number of texts they had exchanged and it shocked me. After seeing that, yes I read through them and yes I am ashamed. I have never done that before in any relationship, even in one when I had every reason to believe the guy was being unfaithful. Anyway, I saw the frequency of the texts and it hurt me.

But then what hurt me even more than anything was I saw a few sexual texts. If they were only friends, then why are the texts of a sexual nature? It was a few sentences, but there it was. I called him on it, however I did not tell him I read the messages. He did say that she made a comment about being horny but he just told her she needed to do something about that and laughed it off.

I told him that it was disrespectful to me and the relationship. The fact that he did exchange sexual texts with her even if it meant nothing to him AND lied to my face about doing it multiple times, hurt me deeply and still does hurt to this day. I gave him an out. I told him if he still wanted to be with her he should go be with her. I will not stand in his way nor will I be the other woman.

I heard him, but because he continued to lie to me, I found it hard to believe him. Did I want to end this relationship that was otherwise wonderful because of this? I had to make that decision. Because of this, I wanted to see if he was still lying to me. I checked his messages again. This time it was intentional. I looked and there again a little more than a month later they were sexting again.

Still a sentence or two, but it was still sexting. The first time it was at the end of July, the second time it was at the end of September. I felt like she did it deliberately to see if he cared about me as much as he said he did. Eric, I was crushed. What does this mean? He knows how I feel about it and he still did it again. He has said that in past relationships when things have gone bad that if he has cheated he will lie about it unless he is caught red handed. He tells me this is a great relationship and he is very happy.

So if he is happy, and it means nothing to him, why do it? I was trying very hard to accept that they are still friends, but knowing that every so often their conversations turn to a sexual nature how I am supposed to deal with that? Eric, I really need to understand the reason behind this behavior. We have talked about marriage but I need to resolve this before that can ever happen. No, I still have not told him I saw those text messages. I know you said in your article that people will do what they want to do. I feel as you did, like a fool.

What are your thoughts? But I am interested in what is driving this behavior since he tells me he is very happy in our relationship. I would really like his input on both of our situations. Why would he delete the convo now? Something had to make him discover the convo. He would tell her that he wanted to see her one more time, that he wanted to kiss her. He would say that he wanted to leave me yet he never did.

She would tell him hat she still felt something for him and he would say that he still wanted her to be a part of his life. She got married already but I think she cheated on her now husband because that same month that she got married she was still talking to my boyfriend. This is so hard because I love him and has showed me that he feels the same towards me. He never does that to me. He stopped talking to her. He said to leave all of that in the past. This last response by Tommy made more sense than the Original writer Eric himself. Tommy is kind and compassionate and he is not even saying it is another persons issues,not his.

I think if he wrote this article, that would be more wholesome and well rounded. Though eric made some good points like- a person will do whatever they want to do anyway, so no reason trying to control them. But at the same time Eric comes from that clan of men who are also in need of some kind of validation from women who were in his past. Because I do know many men who do not want to keep in touch with their exes because they are in a serious, committed relationship and though they would never wish anything bad on their exes, they find it unnecessary distraction to have any other friends of the opposite sex in their life.

But men like Eric do exist, and very commonly. They make you feel like you are wrong to want that special attention only to you, and when they are at the receiving end of such relationship, they solve the problem by ending it. What does that say about them? What can I say? No deriving of validation on my side or theirs. You imply all sorts of motivations about why I say what I said instead of reading what I wrote. And not from a point of insecurity, but a point of confidence. Being on good terms with an ex is one thing, keeping them in your life tangential to a budding relationship is another.

After a breakup, 90 days of no contact. That is healthy;you may be depressed from the loss, but needing to end the relationship may be perfectly healthy. People who break up often confuse ending a bad relationship with neediness for the actual ex.

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Moreover, every person in a new relationship deserves to feel like they are the only ones…that is a healthy boundary, imo. I think it is a good thing for exes to wish each other well, keep in touch over major life events, but I have to be honest, a self-respecting woman wants only that. No, I hang out with her outside of you, we talk all the time…that is b. When you are truly over someone, you can care about them as a person, and yet not make them a part of your regular routine. I am so sick of people saying that asking for no or minimal contact with an ex is insecurity. It is actually about self-respect.

I would never pursue a man whose ex was in the picture somehow, not because of low self esteem, but just knowing I could do way better. When you are in a relationship, you deserve to be the only one of the opposite sex that is needed, confided in, unless it is a friend only and never an ex. I agree that for the most part , going 90 days without talking to an ex after a break up is a good idea for most people.

There are times where people break up and then become great friends afterwards. I have that in my life, so do plenty of others. It has put a wedge in our relationship. I feel that what she is doing is disrespectful and feel resentment towards him for not having the courage to tell her to back off. Well my fella who has been divorced over 12 months now, says he wants to remain friends with his ex-wife.

1. Address the Situation Openly

They both have been married before and they have no children. To me thats not helping her to move on and I think its cruel. Its not helping me either as he is always bringing up her name. Up date…Well I have had a terrible 2 months. So I was so angry and told him what I thought because he has known me for a long time. A few days later I was apologizing but he was been very hard on me and this went on for a few weeks. Any how we decided to meet up and see where we are. So we decided to have 2 weeks break to see if it makes us want to be closer.

Met him and he said what he has to say I may walk out…yeah he has moved back with his ex, sleeping and having sex I was told and months before all this he has been in touch with her. I just sat and looked at him. But then was saying he wants to be with me and he would be happy to move in with me.. Oh feel all mixed up, hurt and there is nothing I can do. I do have a choices dump him or try and see if I can get him to come. But why go back to her and should I forgive him? Well he moved in with me. The first month was ok difficult fitting in with my mother mainly on his part.

I was then having a gut feeling he was up to something…found out he had been seeing his ex wife and she kept saying come back, its better here than there. He told me he wont be going to his ex.. Today he phoned me and honestly I never felt comfortable just by some of the things he said to me.. Third he telling me how his ex criticises his driving like she was nagging the last one was about facebook. His sister put her self on facebook invited me and later invited his ex.

He was telling me how and what he was telling her.. I told him I was not interested in what he and she say to each other.. I never contacted him or called him back. This article helped me to stop and think of what i was actually putting myself into; i was creating madness. I could have done something horrible and make my significant other feel indifferent because of my jealousy. Even when i have no worries, because he has told me many times that he chose ME. We are almost a year and he has never hurt me or give me reason to distrust him.

So while creating this madness, i could have wrecked everything we built. This piece was something i needed to read. Hi can I ask a question please and someone please do read it and give me a answer back I really need to know!! I was starting a 3 year uni course and we spent an amazing summer together spoke all night he was all I ever wanted and needed in a person except I did have Babbage from my past but he made me see what caring for somone really is and how it should be, he made me a better person.

This is where my issues starts, he told me about his ex that after two years cheated on him whilst drunk and got a kid with another man. Two years later she comes back they have sex and then he tells her to go away because he thought she was a bitch basically. Consider all this stuff apparently happened 8 years ago from when I met him so he said. I immediately started crying after that I was pregnant and he calmed me down and said not to worry i was so angry he managed to convince me after what I had been through, I literally wanted to kill myself I felt like killing myself out of anger, I was so traumatised.

So in a span of 5 months from the first one I eneded up again pregnant, the 2nd confirming it was infact his shocked in disbelieve I could get into this situation when I was fighting with him and refusing him till he went to the doctors. This time I wanted to keep my baby. So I excepted that it was a crazy mistake and what happened to me was somthing bad, we worked through.

So I let the first go but what about the second I wanted our baby. I was scared and wish I had more faith in myself. It makes me cry how much he tried. I was just stressed out with a medical issue. I can not rap my mind around this also he cut me out of his life completely and thinks of me as shit. He started with her a few weeks after he left. My bf wanted an open relationship and recently told me he was going to resume having a romantic relationship with his ex wife.

Since, she is practically his anyways. He says he still wants to build with me and will just split his time between the two of us. I can date, but I have to ask permission to be intimate with someone else. I have a similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. He and his ex have been separated for 3 years they were never married. Yet her car is still in his name and she still uses his bank account.

They still own property together, which I understand having to deal with each other over until it is sold, however, the bank account and the car I do not understand. He tells me he does not understand why it bothers me. Perhaps my fears are similar to the ones stated above by the author that are common among women. But whatever the reason, I think the appropriate thing would be to disconnect their lives as much as possible and move on. So who thinks all bets are off when they secretly talk to their ex… Repeatedly?

We had several problems but they were stemmed from his relentless need to have her in his life… How much is too much?? When things I guess started to seem they were going somewhere he was still talking to his ex all the time! Even when we met he was even still seeing her! But stupid me I took him back he told me he would change his number and that would be it. Just found out that he ended up giving her his number and was still talking to her behind my back!

And blame me of crouse that it was my fault that he contacted her ugh guys are pricks it was really a nightmare with this guy the whole time I had been off and on. He talks to all is ex girlfriends all the time. Nice guys ruin relationships. Good men gentlemen build foundations. I have a bit of a similar type of situation. The person I am with has kids with his ex. They have been divorced for about 2 yrs and separated for about 4 all together. They have had times where they hate each other then times they get along.

He knew I was sitting right there. I just kinda looked at him and shooked my head and told him not to say it again. I felt so disrespected. Ok, I understand that, he has children with this person. But I got upset. Is it ok to just say it? Or am I overreacting? But hearing him say that to her, I felt so disrespected.

Your boyfriend is torn being pleasing the mother of his children he probably has little choice and his love for you. Men are mold-able, so you should talk to him in a way that builds him up. This is an old article but I wanted to hedge my bets on receiving a response. What do I do if my boyfriend keeps in contact with a good friend of several years but they would sleep together and do very dirty things quite often sending nude photos, messaging about sex, etc.

She only reaches out to him when she feels lonely. They are Facebook friends and that is the only reason she knows of our relationship as he never brings us up in conversation. Their relationship is purely text messaging maybe every other week or once a month but when she sends him message he is extremely quick to reply unlike his other friends who are girls who might not reply to for a few days or weeks.

My Ex and I broke up 2 years ago he broke up with me and have remained good friends for the past year.

It took about a year to get through the breakup. We have recently been hanging out a bit more than usual…. Last week he took me to lunch for my birthday and to catch up. I asked what was happening in his life over the past month and all he mentioned was that he was working a lot. Let me get back to you after the dust has settled. Now that I think about it, had plenty of opportunities to tell me he was dating someone.

Anyway, I would love to get back with him and have been playing it cool this past year as he dated other women. Is there anything different I can do? I wanted to add that he is one of my best friends. When we were together we were best friends and lovers. The reason for the break up was he wanted passion and a best friend. First, I do believe you brought up an interesting point about getting insecurities handled on your own.

However, culturally exes may or may not be tolerated. My boyfriend and I love each other very much, and we come from different cultural backgrounds. He has an ex who is his friend, and I know she cares about him, yet she ended their short relationship. He feels obligated to support her. I love him, and I respect him. I want him to have friends, lol.

Ask A Guy: When He’s Still In Touch With His Ex

He treats his friends differently than he treats her. Is that still my problem? Yes, this is similar to my situation. This article is a piece of crap. You dealt with your feelings of insecurity by breaking up with the girl. Thanks for contributing nothing to the internet. I hope you find another article on the internet that meets your standards. I just wanted to say that I really appreciate this article and all of your articles , and speaking from experience, Eric is absolutely right.

Reacting from a place of insecurity and mistrust only pushes the other person farther away. MP, put the shoe on the other foot: People want to be with people who make them feel good. Alternatively, confidence is sexy. I know from my own experience that the more you worry about things that you have no control over, the more you begin to act in ways that actually push him away.

Be the kind of person YOU would want to be with. This is right on! The test of you are dreaming. It is s constant distraction and a huge red flag of disregard for your heart.

5 Important Things to Do When Your Boyfriend Contacts His Ex | PairedLife

I agree with you on this being an article that contributes to people doing the wrong thing just because they feel its not their issue. Hii there, I have similar problem in my relationship. He never wants his friends or familiy members knowing about our relationship, even he hides me from his ex-gf. Yesterday, he told me that he will go to another country in USA to help her ex moving things.

She will drive and she needs someone to accompany her since she will drive at night and he said that the road where they will pass by is dangerous Florida Highway. This hurts me coz he will be together with her for days and he did not tell me before getting the ticket. I feel like he disrespects me as his gf. Now, I decide to break-up.

I need ur opinions guys, thanks so much. Thanks for that article. Their is no such thing as friendship after breakup. Sometimes men date other women to make ex jealous and win her back or vise versa. I knew lot of female friends who had boyfriends yet got jealous when their ex dated another girl.. Would anyone feel differently if the ex was a friend with benefits..

Like sells their self for money.. Do you endorse the boyfriend to keep in touch with this ex too? Where do we draw the lines here? That is a very good question. In the end that is up to decide to every couple. Communication is the key here. There is not ONE right way to have a relationship. It depends on your own values. I also really dislike when my partner communicates with an ex.

It is disrespectful of the new relationship. I usually turn away quickly from anyone with sic baggage. Of course there is always an exception to the rule but in general notch good will come from a relationship with an ex when you are wholeheartedly trying to make a new relationship succeed. A new partner should not be forced to deal with your baggage … Take it out to the curb where it belongs. I unwittingly came in-between two people who were almost about to get back together. They have 5 years of history, on-off. I left him when I he told me about his ex on the horizon.

I knew he immediately regretted it and over the course of 2 and a half months won me over again because he showed me he really liked me. The guy said he broke up with her, but they remain good friends. Whenever people bring her up, he will avoid talking about her. Yesterday night, he went out with his ex, who obviously likes him a lot. Can a guy actually take such a long break from seeing a girl he says makes him go crazy? What do you think of my situation?

Something tells me that he is in love with her, shes got 2 kids. Now because the husband isnt around she makes my boyfriend run errands for her, sometimes she would complain of not having the strenght to cook, then my bf would order me to take food to her, i got mad and we fought over it bt he never apologized, what do i do? He displeases me to please her.

It seems the boyfriend is training his ex that her behaviors are acceptable to him. Not allowing her to behave like that. Also he should know that if it makes his girlfriend feel upset, it just poisons the relationship. If your boyfriend is still talking to his recent ex on a regular basis, especially if he was close enough to her to loan her money, then your gut instincts could very well be correct. Our gut instincts are there to protect us. Then you become the girl who put up with it.

He will do what he wants to do regardless, if I were you, i would leave that relationship before too much more time is invested. You need someone with a cleaner slate. I was seeking self healing on the internet about how to deal with my new love and his insecure and manipulative ex-girlfriend who still contacts him and I happened to stumble upon this article. There is so much wisdom and truth here and validated what I was already feeling and thinking.

After reading several other articles online and most of the responses by jealous and controlling women this opened my eyes and gave me validation to what I already knew. You are so right, my relationship is a good one at that and the last thing I want to do is become the girl he was with last. My boyfriend is with me and loves me, not her. I will definitely be passing this on to those in need, I just wanted to say thank you so much for writing this.

I agree with Marguerite. I am in the same boat, had the same feelings, and greatly appreciate some wisdom that I knew was there.. It just sometimes takes another outside source to help you see things a little more clearly. Now what if said ex was an ex-fiance that still texts all the time and calls him pet names like babe. Also texts get deleted regularly… red flag then? I second Marguerite as well, over two years on. I agree with this too.

Even in decent relationships, everyone leaves with some bad habits. Getting into a new relationship can be really hard for some people, especially if the last one was a doozy. Instead of getting defensive and fighting, this could be a good moment to lay out the boundaries for this new relationship. It might be nothing but a special breed of benign social media insecurity.

You know that whole protesting too much thing? If you find your S. If you find that your new partner is unable to take things up a notch on the exclusivity scale, they might still be thinking about their ex.