This includes being honest with your current boyfriend and with yourself.
Some women use the men they date subsequent to their baby daddy only to make him jealous, which is fine, as long as the new man is aware of his role. Some men are perfectly fine with being the side-man. Like side-women, most men are generally content with the status of the relationship as long as they know the role they are expected to play. If the new relationship is nothing more than a complicated charades game to get your ex to start caring about you again, just be honest with yourself and your new man.
This is also important information to share with any new man in your life. If your baby daddy 1 hates you; or 2 equally as bad, is still in love with you, this is the type of info the new man in your life should know about. You can imagine my surprise when I started receiving anonymous text messages ranging from pleas to leave her alone to threats to kill us both if we kept dating. Your flirting with him, feeling jealous of her, and generally not respecting their relationship is a bad approach to this situation.
The guy is dating someone else and raising kids with her? You do not want to date this person. And stop flirting with him, you're only making things worse. Should I date my son's father, when we never really did way back when we were busy procreatin'? Since he currently has a girlfriend, the answer is no. This answer covers everything except for 2 and 3. Work on bringing him more into the kid's life and decisions that effect, if you think it's the right thing to do. Seriously, don't mess with relationship.
Let it live or die on its own, otherwise you'll never be able to fully trust him down the road. No, he is not, you read it wrong. He said and asked for a relationship. She said no and they both moved on and dated other people. Your question is not: She said no and they both moved on and dated other people Oh, well, the point still stands that she shouldn't date someone who is in a relationship.
Doesn't sound like you were ever in love with him, and aren't now. Tell him so and let him be. Sounds to me like he did a good deal more than "what was required" given that you basically told him to fuck off in the first place. This doesn't really answer the heart of your question, but doing "what the state required" is a hell of a lot more than many dads do. And he did come along and have a "surreally" good relationship with your son. It sounds to me like you've always been a little ambivalent about this guy, which is understandable.
You've been concentrating on doing the right thing by your child, and you may have just pushed your own feelings and desires aside. Then the guy reappears and you are reminded that you may have had feelings for him at one point. But it sounds like the time for any relationship with him has passed.
I think you should congratulate yourself for doing a good job of parenting in a tough situation and keep on as you have been. I mean, yeah, you could talk to him about your feelings but it would be pretty much venting at this point. And so far he's been a really helpful ally in raising your kid; don't spoil that.
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It sounds like you are a couple of humans who are doing a better than average job raising a son together in your own way. I'd say concentrate on that, it is more than enough to keep a positive relationship, with its own sort of shared love, for a long time. Maybe in ten years if you both find yourselves single you re-assess.
Straight From His Mouth: Do We Need Your Baby Daddy’s Approval? | MadameNoire
For now you already have a clear focus in your life, and there are a lot of fish still in that sea. Don't do this to your son. As attractive as the possibility of being a "whole" family is, there are so many red flags and pitfalls that it could be potentially disastrous and awful for him and you. You think he's young and he can't understand what's going on, but he does and I guarantee it is confusing as hell for him.
My niece's father kind of fucked off after she was born granted he didn't provide the kind of support you got , five or six years later he pops back up saying he wants to give the father thing another try. During this time a matter of months , he and my sister decided that they were "back in love", although their original relationship wasn't that intense.
They eventually got married, but divorced three months later because there were many good reasons it didn't work in the first place including the abandonment of his child, but who's counting? Now the guy has retreated again in the wake of the relationship meltdown.
Straight From His Mouth: Do We Need Your Baby Daddy’s Approval?
Guess who's left holding that bag of shit? My seven-year-old niece, whose parents were so selfish and reckless it makes me want to punch walls. This guy has a girlfriend and other children besides your son in his life. Even if he leaves her for you, or if your flirting and rehashing drive her to leave him, is that actually what you want? Putting aside the fact that he's your son's father, is that the kind of guy you want to date? It's great that he is there for your son, but maybe just focus on co-parenting with him and leave the dating drama out of it, for everyone's sake.
If you do decide to give it a try, after he's left his current relationship, please please don't tell your son that you are dating for as long as humanly possible. Until you're as sure about going forward as you've ever been about anything. I'm sorry if I sound harsh; you sound like a really good mom and I think it's awesome that you're asking this. But I've seen this see above and experienced it my own parents remarried when I was eight, but then divorced again--the crushing out of the hope and promise of their reunion was absolutely awful , and from the other side of it I really really wish they had just stayed friendly and civil.
But I've surely kept some therapists in business, so I guess it wasn't all bad. I probably shouldn't be commenting so early or at all but I'm going to take the advice given. I'll buck up and do my best to move on. He IS in a relationship, I did not end mine for his prodding but my own feelings, and that has nothing to do with him so it's not fair to drag him into that.
Do you still want to hold hands?
As to the other end of my question, is a sit down too much of me to ask, so that we can assess where we want to go as parents? We do co-parent extremely well but that's basically because he cows to me on every issue and I'm sure he's gotten the feeling that his input doesn't matter. I don't want that and don't think it's healthy. I appreciate the comments thus far. The third party assessment of the situation put clearly into focus what I should have realized already.
The welfare of your child, which is an eternal bond you both share, should be way more sacred a priority than the consideration you're showing for his relationship with his girlfriend, with whom he apparently does not have children. You need to have a talk with him and tell him you're willing to give things a try, if you genuinely are.
Honestly, since you put the cart before the horse by having a child with a man and then much later deciding whether or not you want to properly date him, there is no easy answer here. However, if it were me, I'd give it a go with the father of my child since, frankly, the boundaries you have with the man have shifted over time, as has his relationship with your son.
You already flirt with him and have mixed emotions about him, so dating him for awhile without disclosing anything to your son is hardly going to be a radical shift, even if it doesn't work out, right? If there's any possibility to create a stable, two-parent home for your child this possibility could be achieved without any home-wrecking on your part-- from what you've written it seems at one point or another the father of your child has wanted to give things between you a serious try, but feels you would not be onboard then that should be your focus.
The best thing for both you and your kid would be to set and maintain strict and clearly-defined boundaries for your relationship with this man and then stay within those boundaries. Don't flirt with him, don't try to have him as anything but a friend and a father to your kid. Look, here's the deal: He's proclaiming his love for you while he's in a relationship with another woman. Maybe he'd walk away from her, for you.
If so, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same to you if it came up? It's okay to want to be with him; sometimes one feels an incredible pull towards another person even when it's not a great idea. But part of growing up is doing what's best, even when it's not what you want.
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And I just don't think a relationship with him sounds like a good idea from the information given. No, it's not too much to ask, and actually it's probably a really good idea. But only to discuss where you want to go as parents. Because you are parents to this kid, and that requires communication. You can have a sitdown with him first, then include her. Realize that this is going to be a process, he's not going to suddenly start throwing his opinion around. On second thought, maybe you should have a sit down with her first? She knows him better and can be useful as an ally in coaxing him out.
If it were me, I might involve the help of a family therapist who has lots of experience with divorced families. You two have a couple sessions and then involve your son. He's old enough to have a say, too, believe it or not. When I was a kid, we did some family therapy and it was really helpful for me to know that I was being heard in a safe environment. I bet he has opinions, too. Girlfriend can be brought into the fold later after the boy has bought in. And, no, I don't think you should go after this guy. If he were available, which he's not, I'd suggest therapy along with secret courtship.
I feel like both of you are showing some immature attitudes about relationships and this particular union requires the utmost maturity and delicate handling to be successful. I think trying to break up his relationship and create a new one is a recipe for poisen. You cannot do anything while he is in his current relationship. You cannot sabotage the relationship, because the karma will come back--there are many bonds with other people he has and those persons will react to straining or severing of those bonds, either towards you, the man, or your son.
Therefore you must act as if there is no possibility of a relationship and if you are interested in dating again, find someone who is free. Finally, imagine if he is in your son's life as a real father and then it all goes south.