Dear Jessica………your situation is as tough as can be because you are doubly vulnerable. We would say to continue loving him, but protect your family by not allowing sex without a condom. Therapy will likely not work. As you say, he is too immature. But this is not a family buster unless you are the one to bust it. He, like you, needs unconditional love. It would be wise for you to use our course or, at the very least, read one of our books — both spell out much that you need to learn. Your advice is very similar to a program I followed when trying to save my first marriage.
For the most part I think it is sound advice, but there are situations in which I think it must be tweaked. I found my husband—again—on a dating site. He lies about everything to these women—age, name, location, job. I have in the past ignored the behavior, confronted him, and gently asked why. None of it changed the behavior.
I am the sole provider in the house. I work 3 jobs. Per his request I immediately change into lingerie when I arrive home. I cook dinner in lingerie. I maintain the house. I get about 3 hours of sleep each night because he wants me up spending time with him. When I sleep and go to my primary job he goes online. On top of all this he daily goes through my phone, email, and social media sites; accuses me of sneaking off during lunch to meet with boyfriends; accuses me of being in love with all my exes; and insists that I dress for work just to attract new men.
How do you deal with a man for whom it is never enough? Or am I sacrificing myself for a lost cause? Marcie It is quite possible you chose poorly, and if there are no children in the home who he is taking care of your moving on may be a reasonable thing to do.
There is a cardinal rule, that we cannot change another. So although you are doing your best in these areas there are some missing elements…. But the children aspect is very important to consider. My ex husband has always been on several sites at once and even lies about his age on them.
He said he wants to reconcile with me. He lies and lies. Everytime he got caught he blamed me. Dear Lori We never suggest confrontation because the confronted person will always lie, deflect or…. It is always better to tune into your heart and be the source of love all husbands seek, though sometimes in bizarre ways. Instead you need to develop the knowledge based skills required for marriage….
I am sure you will find happiness, but you need to know where to look. Friedman, have read many of your comments, my daughter is trying to deal with a husband who has cheated once, started a Facebook profile using a fake name, was confronted, took it down, and now is on dating sites with half nude pics of himself-again lying about himself. They have a young son, he also has a drinking problem and has lied to her many times about his drinking. She has gone to counseling, has tried to learn to not be critical and has tried to reach out to him, but he still blames her then says he is sorry, again lies and drinks, is taking them to financial ruin.
So- you say it is her reaction that can save their marriage? So, if he keeps doing this, she should work on herself and just keep going only to have this happen again and again? But life is not like that. We need to know as much about marriage and relationships as possible, or we run into one stumbling block after another. The more we strive to do what is right, based on usable principles, in accordance with what we face, the better the outcome.
Your daughter is in a troubling situation, and there is no telling how it will turn out over time, but she is still his wife, and still the mother to their child. If she reads Breaking The Cycle or takes our course if it is easily affordable she will have a much better idea of what she should do…or you can both complain, criticize, and condemn…and keep digging the hole you are all in.
Your son in law is hurting, too. His actions are NOT excusable, but you make it sound like he is vindictive rather than trapped. He needs help, too. Twila Your seeing marriage as a give and take relationship, where things have to be fair. But those approaches cannot work. Marriage is not, and was never meant to be give and take, or fair. But when you understand its innate dynamics marriage will bring you more happiness than any other relationship by huge degrees. Your sour grapes ideas would be accurate if you were in a business deal. Your husband is not your child, either though they often act that way.
It is not your fault, of course. Our society does not prepare us for marriage or any other relationship. I suggest you at least read our books if you cannot afford the course though it is inexpensive, it cost more than the books. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we were very happy totally in love and the sexual chemistry is amazing.
Last year my mum died and my feelings changed, he became suspicious of me and accused me of cheating. I reassured him and he seemed to accept this, he said he was afraid I was cheating because of my high sex drive, this was totally untrue, I let him have my phone, emails and so on and there was no evidence of a problem so he calmed down and accepted I have always been faithful. Its been up and down all year, he wanted to make up, then was difficult and unsupportive again. Finally, I checked his emails to find out what was going on, he had been on dating websites, largely to overseas sites, he told me he likes to be admired.
I confronted him and we split up, we both went on dating websites but then agreed we had realised what we lost and wanted to start again. I contacted her she said they exchanged numbers on a dating website but had hardly had much contact. I am now at the point of giving up, I love him very dearly and recently we told eachother we wanted to be together forever, he said we are soul mates and he said we would start again on a new footing but he is still contacting other women.
Any advice would be welcome. Dear Christina It saddens me to see in your example how women have been convinced that the shallowness of sex and surface relationships is all you need. The depth of a woman is in her heart, the gateway to infinite love, not merely a temporary gratification of the emotions. Within you is that which men seek, that love which they do not have so direct an access to. This love is what you and your boyfriend are missing, and it cannot be easily discovered outside of marriage….
Our world is deprived of depth, and me must make great effort to find the way…. Your hope is in your heart, and you must begin anew to find that, and then you will attract the man who finds it within you. The first time was almost 2years ago I found the secret phone in his work truck, I forgave him,we were trying to work on our marriage.. How in the world do I move past this? Some do not forgive, but callously end their marriage out of anger and frustration.
Others go for counseling in order to understand what happened, and get a feel about what they can now do, but marriage counseling almost never works. You said you worked on your marriage…but how? If you want to work on being an artist or an accountant or anything else you would take steps to learn about whatever subject was necessary to achieve success. But we seem to ignore the reality that marriage, too, has requisite subjects to learn for success. I do pray for you and hope you understand enough of what I wrote to help you get started with enthusiastic determination.
If so than have you ever been cheated on,or been the one to cheat? So thank you for your response,just not the advice I was hoping to recive.. Lana Of course I am very happily married, have children, and so with every coach we bring into The Marriage Foundation. All of us also understand these teachings inside out so we can do the best we can in helping those who find themselves in trouble. I am sorry you find yourself in this current situation, but some kind of marriage failure was inevitable because your idea of marriage as expressed is impossible.
Marriage is not a business deal wherein both parties agree to equal effort, although our worldly training teaches us just that. Marriage is a give and give relationship, based on premises of each striving to love unconditionally. Your husband did not fail you as much as he failed himself. And now, you wish to punish him, rather than forgive him. If you wish to save your marriage, you probably can, but not with your present thinking. I suggest you take our course or at least read one of our books. I promise you your thinking is taking you towards divorce.
Our thinking and teachings can help you save your marriage. It is your free will that decicdes your fate. Dear Sue What we teach has saved many marriages that would otherwise have ended, hurting the lives of all; spouses, children and future generations. In developing our programs I chose to focus on rehabilitation; of the love, the ideals of marriage, and the potential future. True, there is pain, but my methods give individuals the power to gain control over the emotions, and the power to tap into the love that is innate within us all.
It is not idiotic to strive for solutions that potentially bring happiness, and in most cases our teachings do just that. Do our teachings work in all cases? But we have saved marriages that most wrote off. Individuals who take our courses or read our book ALL have benefited. Not all marriages were saved, but the individual who sincerely puts our ideas into practice always fare much better for the rest of their lives.
My husband has been very cold and has been distancing himself from me for some time. He has been emotionally and physically distant , and I have been craving to get some intimacy back in the relationship. My reaction to this was that we should work on things while we are still under the same roof, as we have children and that we will all be affected by such drastic moves.. My husband finally did move out, 2 weeks ago, and still insists that he wants this marriage to work. He has not shown any remorse or has even apologised. He wants us to hang as friends and hopefully rekindle what we have lost.
I am now at the crossroads.. I no longer feel that I can trust him, but i want this marriage to work. Am I just being a doormat. Dear Nadi There is no sense blaming your husband for his weaknesses which, as you have seen, only makes him angry and pull further from you. If you are to save your marriage you must understand him, what drives him, and how you, yourself, must think and behave to pull him back into the family.
Although it is unfortunate things have come so far it is probably not too late for your family if you do that which makes marriages work, rather than hold him accountable, which always destroys marriages. A person of compassion is noble, not a doormat. No Excuses Please …. Husband and wife is waiting for Who is going to take the first step…. Porn sites area bad excuse for anything…. Forgiveness is an essential quality to develop within our own consciousness. Without forgiveness we would all be condemned. He also watches a lot of porn. Plus he has quite a few women friends including his ex-wife.
About six years ago, my husband suffered a major stroke that left him paralyzed on his left side. He has visual problems and some cognitive loss. At the time, he was paying all of our bills. He told me he was just curious. Hiscomputer was filled with porn pics and videos. I tried to give him more attention. But I became the caregiver. At first I needed to help him bath and dress. He is now able to do that by himself. I still help with minor things like clip nails. He has not been able to find work that he can do and is on disability.
We have a 15 year old daughter. I am the sole breadwinner, housekeeper, driver, etc. I do not know if he is still on the dating sites and viewing a lot of porn. I do not want to spy. I am not a religious person so God does not play a part in my decisions. So, I ask—is it really fair to criticize me for being angry and feeling like giving up?
Dear Ginger I will address the question about your daughter first, because the rest of her life is before her. Religious or not, we get married with the idea that if one of us has a calamity the other not just sticks around, but is there to help. It is not an easy commitment to make, but we all do. Maybe because we are covering our own bases, but the commitment is still a living part of the marriage. Showing your daughter that it is a real part of life is a great gift you are giving her, and although many 15 year old girls are self centered, it needs to be shown to her that giving love and loyalty is a huge part of what opens her heart, while abandoning this deep feminine principle will close her heart,making her a very poor choice as a wife and mother in the future.
Your mind is betraying you right now. You know he is mostly helpless so your primitive survival drive is screaming for relief. Porn is not good, watching porn is not good, going on dating sites when you are married is not good…making your marriage work, starting with what you have, and learning how to ignite the connection…that is good. Your burden is yours, and we cannot say why it is so, but you do not have to take it as such.
Having free will gives you all the power for happiness in any situation you find yourself in. This morning I discovered that my daughter saw they porn and dating sites on my husbands computer at some point in the past. She brought it up during casual conversation. I asked her why and she said that she saw things on his computer. I asked her what and she said that is was pictures and dating site.
She said to her it seamed like cheating. I had an already scheduled appointment with my therapist and he said that it is considered cheating. It appears that he is in a way stalking her. He is not the same man I married. I want her to be strong and I want her to be happy. I am also worried about my mental and physical health in dealing with all of this. I want to be around for awhile to take care of her. It was six years ago that my husband had the stroke and I found out about the dating sites. But our focus, as individuals, should be on our own qualities with the emphasis of improving ourselves.
Marriage is a great mirror for that, in fact, as we are often pushed, so we can better see our weaknesses. I think your therapist is pandering to you, and adding fuel to an unhealthy fire. But it is still up to you to be selfless and loving. So, that does not mean you walk into spinning propellers, and it does not mean you ignore the needs of your daughter. But it does mean you should consider looking at your general demeanor to your husband, and see if you are true to your vows. It is true that divorce is the right thing to do sometimes, but your first steps to learn more about marriage and your self just might save you all from the dramas that come from divorce.
Nobody should be characterized, and anyone can be; it is a choice. It would benefit your daughter to read our book, and see if her marriage can be saved, if that is what she wants it is what I want by applying a more reasonable approach to the current situation. It took me many years to get back the trust but I felt I owed it to myself and him to give it my full try and i did now he has destroyed me again.
But he feels he has erectile dysfunction and this is the cause of all his purpose. He wont go for help has gotten Cialis which he has only used with me on a couple occasions but they are all gone all 50 of them. Tell me how am I suppose to get back to trusting when he keeps breaking it. Others suggest let him go to figure it out. After all, everyone of us is suffering through, or dealing with, or trying to overcome one psychological issue or another. You cannot blame your husband for your troubled marriage, and you cannot condemn him according to his mental ailments.
It is outrageous to do so! Are your behaviors towards him not adding to the pressures that has him acting out in such SELF destructive ways?? Where is the loving compassion you, as a wife, ought to be expressing in your heart and mind? All you talk about is how YOU are effected; nothing about his suffering! My suggestion is you ask yourself if you are the model wife, loving and supportive, loyal and nurturing, nonjudgmental and forgiving.
The rules for marriage are not so much about how to treat your spouse as they are about learning to love outside of your comfort zone. I suggest you turn the spotlight of criticism away from your husband, and upon yourself! Sound words that I am taking to heart, thank you. I plan on purchasing the book. I have been with my fiance for 5 years.
Have been going to therapy for 1 month now.
I was so heart broken and in tears ever since. What to do, do I have sex with him knowing is not love and intimacy for him? I love this man and want to make it work. I just would like for him to have eyes for only me, be in love with me and for us to be orgasmically happy. Lonely and Sad, Thank you. Dear Judith You are right that he is merely using you biologically, but he does not know that.
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Because of worse than zero marital training in our society he is as much a victim as you are, it is just worse for you because you are not able to just walk away not that you want to. He is looking for what his soul is yearning for, but his mind is driven by his procreative drive, and confused by the stupid non solutions the world has to offer. Men do not grasp love, for what it is, so it is up to the loyal wife to understand her husband and lovingly nudge him back into her heart…but chances are you are not yet acting from a heart centered place, even though you write very well.
The book will help you immensely! The course would be greatly helpful as well. I hope commitment and marriage will be the outcome from your studies… I would suggest you stop the meeting with the therapist, as your husband is using it to vent and that will only strengthen the error, as his mind rationalizes away his practical responsibilities.
I want it to be. Im going to make this work! One last question…do I share this course with him? So we both follow it together? Or do I keep all these studies to myself? Dear Judith Free will is one of the greatest gifts each of us have been given. The slightest idea that someone is imposing on our free will causes defensiveness. For that reason we suggest you start the course and book, and after a time you can tell him what you are doing.
Best, in your situation where there is already a lot of resentment, to not even mention that he also has full access, unless he asks. The, if he does, play it cool… As you start implementing changes you can share how much help you are getting, but wait a month or so before you say anything. Paul, I have been reading all the sad stories women have written and it makes me ask why? I like the other women have been married 21years to a man that has LOTS of issues. We have 3 remarkable children, two are almost out of college and my little guy is My 18 year old daughter had a paper to write for school and had to use the office computer because hers was out of juice and the paper had a submission deadline.
She came upstairs a bit later and was visibly upset, I knew somethings wrong. I persisted calmly and sat her down and she fell apart. Its aweful when your children are victims because of someone elses fantasy issues. I reassured the girls its not there fault or mine. This is his choice and we are where we put ourselves. I dont feel a confrontation will prove anything but make it worse. I however have some soul searching and thinking to do.
I believe this is a symptom of a bigger problem. I am aware that I am also not faultless here either. But Its important how I handle this because It greatly affects my children. I am not in a position to divorce him not sure its a solution. WE Are where we put ourselves. I am mad yes Id like to kick his ass for being so stupid and If pursues these women Ill have my answer I also know all it will take is one of his manic episodes and they wont stick around but I dont have to be a doormate either.
My girls are watching me and I must make smart not emotional choices for there sakes. They want confrontation I said its respectfully my love relationship and I must make the decisions. It sucks being the only grown up sometimes, They will also need help with there Dad but for now ME First.
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Not sure how there male realtionships will be affected in the future. I guess most of all its my choice to stay or go for now. Dear Sharon You have confused yourself with too much reading of differing points of view, but have come to some very good conclusions. What we did was to establish our work in universal principles, and never stray from them in our teachings, constantly challenging ourselves to remain consistent. I suggest you do the same with your conclusions, but remain a woman and a wife.
You would get a lot of help from our teachings, and hope you consider it. Thanks for the helpful reply. Part of being married is for better or worse, guess this is the worse part YUCK anyway.
I am a conservative and have a strong faith. I believe I can draw on it once again to regain my own confidence. Its never fun or funny its a sad state of the union when this rotten stuff happens but I must believe its a symptom of a weakness in my relationship. I can only control my own behavior and with prayer and alot of being my consistent self I must be get through this. If he chooses to leave me and his children its he that will loose. I am not going to go down the low road and will have to read and educate myself more to help to bring about a livable outcome for all of us.
Like I said someone has to be grown up…thank for the kind ear. I just found my husband on a dating website.. The reasons you do not confront your husband is because it will do much harm, no good, and probably spin off into much more drama. Can you imagine any person who has been caught actually responding well?? Only in a movie, perhaps, but even if he was contrite, and fell at your feet seeking forgiveness, that would be purely reactive, and short lived.
But usually the reaction is either defensive, insulted or the beginning of the end. Additionally, most women catch their husband because they snooped; which will then become an issue, which distracts. Often, sometimes years later sometimes less , husbands respond to the changed wife and take up the mission of creating a true marriage along with their wise wife who led the way. The husband who cheats is, by definition, unable to handle his married life or wife and has found an escape.
He is not of sound mind, but is damaged; and you do not know how badly. I have a similar situation. Been married 10 years , 2 young daughters. My wife and I seperated 9months ago for anout a month. It was prompted by her built up frustration over the years. I moved to a hotel … During this time and a week previous to this I had caught her sex chatting online.
I confronted her she played it down. The same week I moved out she constantly rang to make sure the comming Saterday night I would be with the kids…. I thought it strange but as I was desperately trying to fix our marriage.. I complied without question. That night my 4 year old daughter said something i wrong with her ipad..
I looked and it was pop up messenger communication sexual natured of my wife arranging a liason with a stranger… I flipped…. Well a month later I moved back in.. She promised me it was a one off… I forgave… Since then I recently found out she has been having an affair for 8months. She confessed I got angry found the guy… She broke it off.
Since then I have had trust issues. I opened a Ashley Maddison account and tried to look for her… Yesterday I found her pretending to be someone else. She was ready to meet me and stated she is in an unhappy marriage looking for fun. Our sex lives are great.. She openly admits that but letting it go so many times, I feel she thinks its acceptable behavior that if found out i will over look if I catch her. I dont want to teach my childrren that someone can do the same to them and they should always forgive. I would be surprised if you did not fall into this routine, and suggest you look at your behaviors towards your wife with a critical eye.
How a wife leaves her husband is almost never typical. Your wife, for instance, got into a pretty self destructive routine in her search for her way out, and I am sure her mind is doing the best it can sorting everything into rationalization that makes it all seem okay to her. I would laser focus on our materials, books or course, or both; and let her know you are trying with all you have…but I would not expect anything from her in return.
But you do need to work on the only person who you can influence; you! Hope this is helpful. I read what you say to do but I felt like you were blaming me for his behavior. I am not going to take the blame for his behaviors.. If he walks well he walks I really do not care but I refuse to be the escape goat for his misgivings. However, the fact is neither women or men understand marriage when they get married or ever, in most cases , and by the time the marriage is falling apart it is almost always only one of you that wants to do anything about it.
If you go through our blogs you will see that when a man comes for help he is told what he needs to do, and when a woman comes for help we tell her what she can do; and it is not the same. If you are able to tame your anger, which we teach in our materials, you will be in a better place to be objective about whether to stay or not. If you have children we hope you stay, but that is general, and sometimes not the best, either. Either way, we teach people how to be married, how to manage their emotions and how to succeed. I hope you look at more of our material before you write us off.
All of a sudden, he is ALWAYS working during the week, weekends, holidays, late nights , yet our bills are no longer being paid and now my paycheck is disappearing too. I have RA and started my infusions. I asked him to come to the first appointment because I was scared and did not know how I would react to the medicine. Now he has his phone with him and made another fb page and another gmail account. He says he loves me, but his actions show different.
I have caught him in so many lies and he is so sneaky now. I know he is using drugs and he has gotten is several car accidents and our auto insurance got canceled. My depression is so bad and I am in such a dark place. My son is almost 18 and the only one I am concered about is our puppy and who will take care of her. I know it will hurt my dad, but I have decided to kill myself.
I just cant take losing the love of my life and my best friend.
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The pain is too great. If it were not for great challenges none of us would grow psychologically or spiritually, so the right attitude to have about challenges is gratitude. The truth is that as a human being you have greater opportunities than any other living thing; but they are only opportunities. It is up to you to learn how to conquer life, and make yourself happy. Nobody can make you happy!
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Your husband is doing all kinds of wrong things, but think about how much damage he is doing to himself! You need to be as objective and loving as you can, or you will never see the way out of your pain and suffering. I know you can do this,and I am sure the stresses, the situation and even the medications you take are all impacting you.
But it is your challenge, and you need to do the best you can…and do not be ashamed or afraid to get some help!!! There are times when we just cannot do it alone, and this sounds like one of those times for you. Need advice for my daughter. Her husband was diagnosed with adult ADD and takes adderall. He is in school after the Navy and works part time. He has all the classic ADD symptoms and she had a hard time adjusting at first but is trying to accept. He also has had a binge drinking problem and has ended up in the hospital because of that. He has, for years lied about how much he is drinking.
He has been unfaithful and has been on dating sites a couple of different times. He says it is her that is abusing him. She is so confused. She has not always had the best reactions to his unfaithfulness and his drinking, but I believe that is a human reaction. She wants to have the marriage work, but he moved out- at least part time, he does help with the baby.
I am worried because he tends to take adderall and drink and I am worried about him driving with my grandson. Should she continue to try? He will improve for awhile and then start the same behavior over again. Should she live her whole life like this? Dear Judy My heart goes out to all of you, as your situation is so very difficult, and not fixable by either you or your daughter. However, the drinking was part of the package your daughter married, it appears.
She likely knew about the drinking before she got pregnant. She knew what she was getting into, and chose to have a child anyway. Now, no matter how you slice it, they will be together in some fashion for the rest of their lives. This is a fact! So, the many negatives your daughter, her husband, and your grandson face may seem insurmountable.
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But, still, you must try to help your daughter, and your son in law, if you can. Check all folders on the phone as sometimes these apps may be hidden in folders. You can also open his email app and check for emails from the dating apps or sites mentioned above. He should not be receiving emails from these sites unless he has a dating profile with them. Michelle Carvo has been writing professionally since , contributing to a variety of websites.
Carvo holds a Bachelor of Science in computer information systems from the University of Michigan-Flint and works as an IT project manager. Video of the Day. Brought to you by Techwalla. Now, users can quickly glance at all the different profiles and answer the question: If the first search does not yield the person you were looking for, the cheapest package includes three searches so you can try 2 more locations.
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Cheaterbuster is how to find out if your boyfriend is on Tinder by searching around their office, or his favorite pub or bar. In addition, Cheaterbuster works great for situations where your boyfriend or husband is on a business trip. Say your significant other is going to Las Vegas, if they are secretly using Tinder, surely that will be a place where they will likely use it.
So, is my husband on Tinder? Cheaterbuster works for any location. Just enter the address for his hotel, or office for the trip and Cheaterbuster will search that area to see if your boyfriend or husband has recently been using Tinder in that area. In addition to searching through millions of profiles, all the men who have recently used Tinder in that specific location will pop up. If your husband has online dating profiles, then chances are he will be using the most popular one, and if you want to search in the most popular one, Cheaterbuster is the best place to do it. While asking for honesty is the most civilized way to resolve this issue, it might not be available to every couple.
One of the things that you can review is the pictures that your husband or boyfriend is using in that dating profile. Did he take the pictures after we started dating? We also have a feature called a Super Update that tells you the location, within a mile, of where they last used Tinder.