Not dating your own race

Who you like is who you like, and that's totally okay, but how do we know when our preferences cross the line into prejudices? You may have heard people describe their type in physical terms: But when someone says, "I don't date Asians," or "I'm only into skinny chicks," that's not a preference: What you're really saying is "this person is not attractive because they do not fit white, Western beauty standards.

If someone says they only date a certain race or body type, that's fetishization.

Sexual racial preference

They're objectifying people by reducing them to a sexual fantasy. While this sort of discrimination can apply to fat, disabled and trans and gender-nonconforming people, let's use race as our main example. Wanting to only date a specific race a race that is not your own defines people solely by their race, and also plays into stereotypes that there's a specific way people of certain races are "supposed" to look or act.

Implicit in this is the assumption that all people of a certain race look the same, which is obviously not true.


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Desire turns into fetishization when someone views a person as "other" and therefore "exotic"; they regard dating that person as cool, mysterious or adventurous. It's most definitely not flattering.

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In fact, it's actually pretty gross. Wanting to date someone solely because of physical attributes related to their race relies on harmful colonialist attitudes toward people of colour. If skin colour alone is enough to determine if you're attracted to someone, it's time to think about why.

Nonetheless, people tend to notice interracial couples more than they notice same-race couples. So Natalie, when you walk into the club, your eyes probably zoom in on the black dude downing white wine spritzers with his Latina date. But the idea that all black men are passing up black women for everyone else is overstated, to say the least.

There's another stereotype about black men that's worth unpacking.


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  7. Many people cite OKCupid findings from to underscore the idea that black women and Asian men have the worst outcomes among straight couples on dating sites. What they don't always add is that black men also face a "racial penalty" for being black. We've all heard the myth that black men have their pick of the pack when it comes to dating. But in fact, they're up against a whole host of setbacks of their own.

    Of course, looking at those numbers doesn't tell the full story. Black men are still significantly more likely to marry someone of a different race than black women. That Pew study found that 88 percent of black women were married to black men.

    Date your own race!

    Now, knowing all this data doesn't mean that next time you go out, the black man of your dreams is magically going to start chatting you up. So what do you do? LaDawn Black says that intentionality is your friend. So many people are hung up on the idea of a meet-cute — but she that's just not how love tends to go down anymore.

    It's something that people have to plan for, whether that means using a dating app, website, or putting the word out to friends and family members. And Black has one last piece of advice for the lovelorn. Where black men or black boys are socialized to just look for a good woman. So if you're getting that message from birth, you're really looking for that. And he exists, he's out there, he's available to you. But what if he's a good Asian man? What if he's a good white man?

    In Search Of Black-On-Black Love

    What if he's a good Puerto Rican man? You're limiting your potential by not opening up yourself to dating someone who's different.

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    She adds, "As black women, we have to define love for ourselves. Viewers have long complained that they are fed up with the conveyor belt of white women on the show.

    Is It OK to Have a Racial Preference in Dating? | Opinion | OZY

    Yet her casting has only thrown into focus the struggles black women face when dating. Unlike other shows, where diversity woes can simply be redressed by recasting, Love Island is complicated. The show has been praised for its unfiltered portrayal of the dark side of dating — from ghosting and gaslighting to toxic masculinity and relationships. But there is another reality the show has brought to the fore.